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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064286063" data-attributes="member: 14320">Guest Application For Jerry Springer ShowPersonal Information:Name___________ Nickname______________ CB Handle______________Yore Mama______________ Yore Daddy (if known)________________Spouse's Name_________________Relationship to spouse: __Sister __Brother__Mother__Father __Pet__Aunt __Uncle ___ Several of the aboveOccupation: ___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer___SkinheadNumber of Children in Household___ Number that are yours___Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4 How many times each grade___________How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road: ___1mi. __5 mi. ___?Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado: ___Number of Vehicles Owned___ Number on Cement Blocks___ Number Repossessed___Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Spit Cup ___Fuzzy Dice ___Rebel Flag___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA stickerWeapons Owned: ___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___ShotgunNumber of Dogs Owned: ___Number of Homemade Tattoos:___Which of the Following Appliances are in your Front Yard:___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher ___TV ___FreezerHow Many of the Above Appliances Work: ___Fav-o-rite Recreation: ___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin___Crawdad Huntin ___Scratchin ___Watchin WrasslinIf You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:___Soap Opera Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA___TV Guide __National Enquirer ___True ConfessionsWhich Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse ___SpouseCan You Spell Your Last Name:___Yup ___NopeCan You Remember Your Last Name: ___Yup ___NopeHave You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day: ___Yup ___NopeDo You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters: ___Yup ___NopeWhich is Correct: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day? ___Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?___Six Pack ___Cigs ___Shotgun Shells ___WhoreNumber of Times You've Seen: ___a UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFOHealth Questionnaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose___BoilsCan You Remember the Last Time You Bathed? ___Yup___NopeColor of Teeth: ___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/AI hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on _________20__ Two Ladies Talking In Heaven1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly, how’d you die?1st woman: I froze to death.2nd woman: How horrible!1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.1st woman: So, what happened?2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —– we’d both still be alive.A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLYshort shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after sheclimbed up in the truck."It's Snow - Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June -June Hansen," she said.After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up withthose sidelong glances?""Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,having eightinches of Snow in June?"A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”Blue replied, “No, it ain’t, Bill. It ain’t rigged — my Missus won twice last week.”Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work:1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard topronounce.3. How about never? Is never good for you?4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself inpublic.5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see itmy way.6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you'resaying.10. Ahhh...I see the know-it-all fairy has visited us again.11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique pointof view.17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're anartist.18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purelycoincidental.19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.21. Congratulations, you have officially earned the Dumber than a Boxof Rocks Award.22. You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kickingyour ass in the parking lot.23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?24. Do I look like a people person?25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.</blockquote>

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