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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064204002" data-attributes="member: 14320">Beer TroubleshootingSYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.FAULT: Glass empty.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.FAULT: Improper bladder control.ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving.FAULT: You are being carried out.ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.FAULT: You have fallen over backward.ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.FAULT: You have fallen forward.ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.FAULT: Bar has closed.ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.Over beers, two friends were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress."I say she's overrated," said one, "Take away her hair, lips, and her figure, what do you have?""My wife!" said the other fellow.A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?""That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck."Girls Night OutTwo women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had beendecidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk andwalking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and oneof them suggested they do their business behind a headstone.The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,used them and threw them away. Her friend however was lucky enough tosalvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceededto wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband andsaid, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came homelast night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Minecame back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `"From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you.'"]]]]]The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."]]]]]What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?A woman's mouth!]]]]]An old couple married for 50+ years hadn't had sex in a very long time and the wife was getting very frustrated. One night when the old man was sitting on the couch watching the game she went into the bedroom and took of all her clothes except for a red towel that she put around her neck like a cape. She then leapt into the living room exclaiming, "IT'S SUPERPUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!" The old man replied, "I'll take the soup."</blockquote>