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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064104756" data-attributes="member: 14320">CardiovascularA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system.He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die.First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed.On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked So,I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did the tell you?You're going to die, she repliedOld Pick-up Lines"What's a nice girl like you doing in a placelike...where exactly are we again?""Do you smell that? That's either love, orI used too much ointment this morning.""Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a78-year-old.""WHO'S your granddaddy?""Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpidsapphire pools. Your blue hair, too.""Hey babe, looking for a good time? How'sabout coming home with me and...Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."=====Q. Why did the blonde stop using the pill?A. Because it kept falling out when she stood up. Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are goingto learn multi-syllable words, class.Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllableword?'Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smilesand says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful!'Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".@@@A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magicin your life.""Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears!"@@@A guy pulls up in his car next to a very young boy and opens the window. "If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"To which the little boy answers "If you give me the whole bag I will come in your face!"@@@Two vomits are walking down the street when one of them starts to cry."What's wrong with you?" asked the first vomit."Ohhhh," said the second vomit, "This is the area I was brought up in!"@@@A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?""I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered."I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled."What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"@@@Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in her yardAnd when she took her panties off,his wooly dick got hardStrange 'facts' (?)What occurs more often in December than any other month?Conception.Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?Skinny dipping.What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?No theme song/music.Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?Their birthplace. This is propinquity.Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?ObsessionMore women do this in the bathroom than men.Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%What do 100% of all lottery winners do?Gain weight.In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.BananaIf you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?One thousandWhat do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?All invented by women.Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.Change their underwear.This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.A kissThis is the only food that doesn't spoil.HoneyThere are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.Father's DayWhat trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?He was allergic to carrots.40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?Snoop in your medicine cabinet.3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.Wear underwear.What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide?A fart.About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?Flush the toilet.What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.Cheating on their wives.</blockquote>

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