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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064016491" data-attributes="member: 14320">QueenslandIn the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which isvery hot, humid and the pubs are rough.Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling throughQueensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in ahuge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when hefinally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drownedrat.Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as hewalks on, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders ascotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has evertasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman wherethe dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see inthe rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other.So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved thatsomeone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger onewas clearly unmanageable.He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process ofrelieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacksinto the heap just beside his head.Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerableposition, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door ofthe pub with his still smoking gun in his hand."What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies youdirty bastard."----------One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."She said, "Get off for a moment."I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates."Try it now." she said.I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?""Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."Cat FoodA woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" shesuddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner formy husband! He?ll be so pissed if it's not ready on time."When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wiltedlettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to thesupermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it withthe lettuce leaf.She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horroras he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it."Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! Youcan make this for me any day.?Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband thesame dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed!?Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around theclubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him thatcat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmlyknowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsillwhile he was licking his butt."There once was a man from AlsassWho had balls made out of brassHe rubbed them togetherIn stormy weatherAnd lightning shot out of his ass!*****There once was a woman from WheelingWho got a funny feelingSo she laid on her back,Spread open her crack,And pissed all over the ceiling.</blockquote>

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