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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064007906" data-attributes="member: 14320">Happy Marriage'sMarriage (Part I)Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after thewedding, he laid down the following rules:"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don'texpect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the tableunless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies anddon't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Anycomments?"His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that therewill be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here ornot."SHE'S GOOD!)_____Marriage (Part II)Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th weddinganniversary!The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone thatreads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone thatreads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"(HE ASKED FOR IT!)_____Marriage (Part III)Husband (he's a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfasttable. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bedeither," and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends andrings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritatedhusband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"She says, "I was in bed.""In bed this early, doing what?""Getting a second opinion!"(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)_____Marriage (Part IV)A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is soproud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go homeand wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shoutsat the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts rightback, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."(RIGHT ON, LADY!)Summers In FloridaI love The HeatApril 30th:Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is astate that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmyevenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on ablanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.May 14th:Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in anair-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasureto see the sun every day like this I'm turning into a real sunworshipper.June 5th:Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palmsand rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORESHOVELING SNOW EITHER!Another scorcher today, but I love it here.July 1st:The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Whereare those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used toit will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have toremember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one ofthose fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I alwayswondered what burnt flesh smelled like.July 15th:Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lessonthough: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.July 20th:I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to thesize of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded allover $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!July 25th:Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on thefritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me heneeded to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be ahurricane.July 30th:Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting theswamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn housepayments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?Aug 4th:100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almostas much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me offthe road. I hate this state.Aug 8th:If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going totear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator isboiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roastedcat!!Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the Weatherman says it mightreally warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "itmaybe hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die fromheat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??Aug 14th:Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack thewindow and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came tofix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the$1,500 house payment to bail me out jail.Aug 30th:Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rainsfinally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drovethe damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! TheLincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500windshield.That does it, we're moving back to New York where all youhave to worry about is getting mugged.I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.</blockquote>

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