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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063946343" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Twenty Four Hours</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Mr. Smith hadn't been feeling very well lately, so his loving wife made</p><p>an appointment for him with their family doctor. She asked the doctor to</p><p>let her know immediately if the prognosis was unfavorable; she would</p><p>break the news to her husband gently.</p><p></p><p>Later that day, the doctor phoned. It was much worse than he had</p><p>originally thought --- her husband had less than twenty-four hours to</p><p>live. The only blessing was that when he went, it would be quick and</p><p>painless.</p><p></p><p>Mrs. Smith decided that this last night would be the most wonderful</p><p>night of her husband's life. She prepared his favorite meal and met him</p><p>at the door with his favorite cocktail in hand. After an exquisite meal,</p><p>they retired to the darkened bedroom for after-dinner drinks. She put on</p><p>her sexiest nightgown and perfume and approached her husband. "Whatever</p><p>you want to do, whatever fantasies you have, tonight is the night to</p><p>fulfill them." This included both oral sex and anal sex, which she would</p><p>never allow him to do before.</p><p></p><p>They made wild, passionate love. "That was great," Mr. Smith said.</p><p>"Let's do it again." So they did, and he said, "That was even better. Do</p><p>you see what you have been missing out on all these years? Let's do it</p><p>again!"</p><p></p><p>"That's easy for you to say," said his wife. "You don't have to get up</p><p>in the morning."</p><p></p><p></p><p>A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.</p><p>They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a</p><p>while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to</p><p>watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with</p><p>beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night</p><p>for romance.</p><p></p><p>As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the</p><p>redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.</p><p>But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his</p><p>arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to</p><p>enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.</p><p></p><p>A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.</p><p>The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman</p><p>the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued</p><p>her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden</p><p>was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It</p><p>was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle</p><p>breeze; perfect for a night of romance.</p><p></p><p>Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He</p><p>fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over</p><p>to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you</p><p>mind taking the dog for a walk?" </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Bar Jokes</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks,</p><p>Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?</p><p>Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.</p><p>Guy: Oh yea, what is it?</p><p>Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, you have to go down to the end of the bar and</p><p>knock that big fellow there out in one punch.</p><p>The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.</p><p>Guy: Well, I think I could take him.</p><p>Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?</p><p>Guy: Yea I see it.</p><p>Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and you got to yank it out.</p><p>The guy thinks for a little while and replies</p><p>Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.</p><p>Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.</p><p>Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!</p><p>Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?</p><p>Guy: Yea</p><p>Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.</p><p>Guy: I’m OUTTA THIS BET!</p><p>But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...</p><p>The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender:</p><p></p><p>Guy: Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?" The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".</p><p></p><p></p><p>A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500." The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask..."How did you get that money from them?" The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."</p><p></p><p></p><p>Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063946343, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Twenty Four Hours[/COLOR][/B] Mr. Smith hadn't been feeling very well lately, so his loving wife made an appointment for him with their family doctor. She asked the doctor to let her know immediately if the prognosis was unfavorable; she would break the news to her husband gently. Later that day, the doctor phoned. It was much worse than he had originally thought --- her husband had less than twenty-four hours to live. The only blessing was that when he went, it would be quick and painless. Mrs. Smith decided that this last night would be the most wonderful night of her husband's life. She prepared his favorite meal and met him at the door with his favorite cocktail in hand. After an exquisite meal, they retired to the darkened bedroom for after-dinner drinks. She put on her sexiest nightgown and perfume and approached her husband. "Whatever you want to do, whatever fantasies you have, tonight is the night to fulfill them." This included both oral sex and anal sex, which she would never allow him to do before. They made wild, passionate love. "That was great," Mr. Smith said. "Let's do it again." So they did, and he said, "That was even better. Do you see what you have been missing out on all these years? Let's do it again!" "That's easy for you to say," said his wife. "You don't have to get up in the morning." A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" [B][COLOR="Teal"]Bar Jokes[/COLOR][/B] A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks, Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for? Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on. Guy: Oh yea, what is it? Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, you have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch. The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy. Guy: Well, I think I could take him. Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you? Guy: Yea I see it. Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and you got to yank it out. The guy thinks for a little while and replies Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that. Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task. Guy: Then hurry up and tell me! Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull? Guy: Yea Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her. Guy: I’m OUTTA THIS BET! But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens... The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender: Guy: Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth. A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?" The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel". A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500." The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask..."How did you get that money from them?" The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad." Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat. A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth. [/QUOTE]
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