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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063884614" data-attributes="member: 14320">"You Gotta Help Me Doc!"A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"The doctor says, "What's your problem?"The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,give the missus a quick one, then go to work.I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me ablowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I dosome work and then at morning coffee break I go into thephotocopy room and have it off with one of the young officegirls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give hera good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife agood servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.Then at night I give the missus another screw...""Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."o0o0o0o0o0TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HASGROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING10. He can open your blouse by himself.9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.1. Beard abrasions on areola.o0o0o0o0o0In days of oldwhen knights were boldand no one was particular,They lined them all against the walland fucked them perpendicular! RepairsA husband is at home watching a football game when his wifeinterrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It'sbeen flickering for weeks now."He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does itlook like I have a G. E. logo printed on my forehead? I don'tthink so.""Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I haveWestinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.""Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to thefront door? They're about to break.""I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," hesays."Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? Idon't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decidesto go home and help out.As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As hegoes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed."Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was eithergive him a blow job and fuck him, or bake him a cake."He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"She replied, "Hellooooooo! Do you see Betty Crocker written on myforehead?A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".Cheating On HerMrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her soshe got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if hewas cheating on her. The two boys climbed up a tree and lookedonto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sexwith Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,so she filed for divorce.While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, towhich she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith andMr. Jones take off all there clothes and started fuck-in."With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that languagein this court," and thru him out.When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he toldhim to explain to him without using the bad language."Well, Judge," he said, "there was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in thebedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes upand ten toes down, Two big asses going round and round,Meat fly in and meat fly out, If that ain't fuck-in you can kick meout!"YYYYYOn the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.'A little voice from the back of the room asked,'How the fuck will that help?"YYYYYWhat's the difference between Yo mama and a water buffalo? About 25 pounds.Yo mama's such a lazy ho, the only thing she won't do is the dishes.The other day when I went over to your house to visit your sister, Yo mama ran out from under the porch and bit my leg.Yo mama's such a ho, when you step on her feet her legs pop open.Yo mama reminds me of a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.If Yo mama had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her, she'd look like a porcupine.Tasteless Death JokesA strange looking man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I will give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in that casket in the front room."The mortician looks at the guy in disgust, "Are you mad?" he replies, "I could lose my license!""How about the $200 then!" the man says.The mortician thought about this for a moment, then said, "All right, you have a deal, but keep it quiet OK?"Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went to work, scalpel in hand.In minutes he was holding a dripping bloody pussy at arms length, and he asked nervously, "How would you like it wrapped?""Never mind wrapping it," said the man, "I will eat it here!"nnnnnThe Top Ten Reasons Why Suicide Is Better Than Sex!10) You can still commit suicide when you're drunk.09) You don't have to worry about 'safe' suicide.08) Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.07) There is no limit to the number of techniques.06) Nobody ever asks for a long term suicide commitment.05) Who cares if you get a disease?04) Doing it by yourself is just as good.03) It's easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.02) Nobody ever complains about 'bad' suicide.01) You don't have to clean up the mess.nnnnnWhat did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?He reloaded and shot her again!What's the worse thing about having to kiss Grandma?When the coffin lid falls and hits you on the head!How does an artist draw an LA gang member?Outlined in chalk!How did the blonde die drinking milk?The cow fell on her!</blockquote>

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