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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063881695" data-attributes="member: 14320">Short JokesAn LPN working at her nurse's station sees a doctor coming towards herfrom the other end of the corridor. As he gets closer she notices thatthere is something odd or different about the doctor. Finally when hereaches the nurse's station she realizes that there is somethingstrange on his ear. Out of curiosity she finally asks, "Doctor, Whatis that behind your ear?"He pulls it off, looks at it and responds, "Shit, it's a rectalthermometer, some asshole's got my pen."@@@@@While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display ofbathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since Ihad even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?''Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'He's still in intensive care.@@@@@Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aislesof a supermarket crying his eyes out."What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy."I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny."Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy."Now tell me, what's mommy like?""Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,"sobbed Little Johnny.@@@@@A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men forlife. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned."From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and testedplastic companion," she said."What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That'ssimple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"Read Upon Bathroom Walls"This is a teepeewhere you peepee.This is not a wigwamwhere you beat your tomtom."(Submitted via email; location not specified)lll"Here I sit in a misty vaporSome damn fool stole the toilet paperMy bus is late and I cannot lingerLookout butt here comes my finger"(From a bus station bathroom in Philadelphia)lll"This is where Napoleon blew his bone apart"(Scratched into the wood barrier between urinals ina Bodega bay campsite bathroom)lll"I fu*ked your Mom"(written underneath) "Go home dad you're drunk."(Somewhere in Orlando, FL)lll"Those who write on shithouse walls roll their shit into little balls.Those who read those words of wit, eat those little balls of shit."(A men's restroom in Sierra College, Rocklin, CA)lll"If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobodyaround to hear it - who gives a fu*k?"A men's room in an Atlanta bookstorelll(arrow pointing to toilet paper dispenser)"Turban repair kit"(Porta toilet, Pittsburgh, PA)lll(Written on the front of a condom machine)"This gum tastes like shit!"(Booches Bar and Grill, University of Missouri,Columbia)lll"Hi, I'm Gonorrhea.Have a seat and I'll be right with you"(Submitted via email; location not specified)lll"There was an old man from Peru,Who fell asleep in his canoe.While dreaming of Venus,He played with his penis,and awoke in a boat full of goo."(On a bathroom wall in the Coz Chemical building,Northbridge MA)lll"Here I sit broken heartedpaid a dime only farted.Second time took a chance,saved my dime shit my pants."(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)lll"In the days of oldwhen knights were boldand toilets weren't invented.They'd drop there loadby the roadand ride away contented."(In a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant)lll"BEER DRINKERS LAMENT:I sit inside this dim lit stall,and scribe these words upon the wallFor relief has come to me alascause I've expelled some noxious gas.And the reason for this woeful wit,Is I loaded up my pants with shit."lll"Fix this toilet!"The response: "We're actors, not plumbers."The response to the response: "Then act like plumbers."(At a playhouse theatre in Boston)lll"Did you know that this porcelain instrument uponwhich you are sitting isreally a very powerful telescope?Spread your legs and stick your head downbetween them.Look way down and over to the back.There! See it? Uranus!"lll"Here I sit, same as everTook a shit, pulled the leverThe toilet clogged, the water flowedLook out world, its the motherload"lllIt's a wonderous thing the magnificent turdto describe beauty there's nary a wordsome may float while others may sinkbut if you pluck them out there'll all going to stink(Lnwood IL. police department latrine.)lll"Shithouse poets when they dieshould have erected where they liein memory of their caustic wita monument of solid shit"(No location specified)lll"If you want to crap at easeput both elbows on your kneesgive a grunt,and give a squeezeand out will come like rotten cheese."(Men's room at Old Sturbridge Village in Sturbridge, Massachusetts)lll"Here lies the bones of screwy RickCursed at death with a corkscrew dickSpent his life in a futile huntTo find a girl with a corkscrew cuntHe found that girl, but now he is deadThe no account bitch had a left-hand thread."(In a bar long since closed in Greensburg, PA) Calories We Burn While Having Sex:(This is very long, but it has useful information)The Act of InsertionIf the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 caloriesIf the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 caloriesYYYYYSatisfying Partner (organ size)Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.Normal size............22 caloriesOversize.................15 caloriesTremendous............8 caloriesTeensy-weensy.......163 caloriesYYYYYPositionsMan on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 caloriesWoman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 caloriesMany women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities,this position affords a better view of the clock.From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 caloriesStandingBoth partners of equal height......................................18 caloriesWoman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 caloriesThe man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the airin order to achieve even minimal satisfactionWhile in traction.............................................................124 calories(very useful during ski season)YYYYYLocationsOn a bar stool....................20 caloriesRear of a Honda Civic......38 caloriesIn a phone boothStanding.......................14 calorieslying down...................274 caloriesOn an airlinerAisle seat....................24 caloriesMiddle seat.................42 caloriesWindow seat...............30 caloriesIn the lavatory.............100 caloriesYYYYYPossible Side Effects of IntercourseBouncing........................7 caloriesSliding around................9 caloriesSerious Skidding............12 caloriesFull cartwheel................20 caloriesWhiplash........................27 caloriesKnee burn.......................6 caloriesChafed elbows...............5 caloriesChafed nose...................11 caloriesYYYYYSex Related NoisesShort gasps (per gasp).....................................3 caloriesWheezing.........................................................5 caloriesSqueals............................................................4 caloriesEcstatic moaning..............................................11 caloriesLow growling..................................................8 caloriesSquishing.........................................................10 caloriesShouting...........................................................16 caloriesScreaming........................................................18 caloriesUrgent begging.................................................22 caloriesAny short speech giving partner directions......25 calories"Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more"are common examplesYYYYYApproaching OrgasmLetting go..........................................................5 1/2 caloriesControlling yourself.........................................79 caloriesDigging nails in your partners back back.........11 caloriesTrembling........................................................15 caloriesShaking............................................................20 caloriesShuddering......................................................25 caloriesTrying to keep eyes open................................33 caloriesYYYYYOrgasmReal............27 caloriesFaked.........160 caloriesYYYYYOrgasmic Intensity ScaleExpression didnt change...............1/2 calorieFace turned purple........................15 caloriesOrchestra swelled.........................6 caloriesMagical explosions.......................10 caloriesBlazing Sheets...............................25 caloriesEarth moved..................................30 caloriesVesuvius erupted...........................47 caloriesYou began moaning in Latin..........60 caloriesYYYYYPulling OutAfter orgasm...................................1/4 calorieA few moments before orgasm.......500 caloriesYYYYYMultiple OrgasmsFor woman2......14 calories5......30 calories8......47 caloriesDepending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.For Men2......21 calories3......39 calories4......57 caloriesFor a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.YYYYYSpecial OrgasmsClitoral...............15 caloriesVaginal...............21 caloriesPenile.................21 caloriesScrotile..............15 caloriesRectal................25 caloriesOral...................30 calories(can also occur during an especially good meal)YYYYYPremature Ejaculation*During insertion.............................2 caloriesDuring intercourse.........................5 caloriesapprox.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,which ever comes firstDuring foreplay.............................3 caloriesImmature ejaculation.....................4 caloriessimilar to premature ejaculation except maleacts childish and throws a tantrum*Often caused by an inability to do things right.YYYYYConsequences of Premature EjaculationEven if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.For WomanFrustration..........................................8 caloriesAnger.................................................15 caloriesViolent mood swing...........................20 caloriesSuppressing rage................................25 caloriesNot suppressing anger........................65 caloriesin extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.For MenCursing..............................................10 caloriesApologising.......................................3 caloriesSnivelling..........................................5 caloriesPleading for mercy............................8 caloriesBegging for another chance...............15 caloriesNote how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.YYYYYPossible Side Effects of Good SexThe first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:Swooning.........................6 caloriesPalpitations......................10 caloriesShortness of breath..........5 caloriesPerspiring........................8 caloriesYYYYYPossible Side Effects of Bad SexA less-than-sunny desposition........1 calorieYYYYYRecoveringUn-entwining............................................3 caloriesRegaining motor control of pevis.............7 caloriesAfter especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waistto the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one footin front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of goingto the bathroom or getting a juice.Standing up...............................................9 caloriesGetting some juice....................................11 caloriesYYYYYRolling Over and Going to SleepAfter intercourse............18 caloriesClassic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their joband are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.During intercourse.........32 caloriesWomen find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.During foreplay.............12 caloriesIndicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.YYYYYTrying AgainIf the woman is ready...........5 caloriesIf the man is not....................156 caloriesYYYYYDreamingRegular dream.................2 caloriesWet Dream......................16 caloriesAdd 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;Add 20 calories if your partner noticesWet Trance......................20 caloriesUsually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotistYYYYYGroup SexIntroducing yourself.....................3 caloriesOvercoming shyness....................8 caloriesSwapping partnersWillingly.................................4 caloriesUnwillingly.............................62 caloriesJealousy......................................16 caloriesPartner having more fun than you areMixed doubles............................26 caloriesBeing nice to everyone...............100 caloriesAnger..........................................10 caloriesYou suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.Finding your clothes....................5 caloriesYYYYYMasturbationFor pleasure only...................................6 caloriesFor exercise, too....................................10 caloriesFor relief from tension...........................12 caloriesTo pass the time.....................................7 caloriesTo avoid overeating...............................16 caloriesTo get in touch with inner self...............10 caloriesTo get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 caloriesTo avoid insanity..................................24 caloriesTo avoid spending money on a date......9 caloriesIn addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.UsingYour hand(s):Regular way......................................11 caloriesYour finger(s)...................................9 caloriesTweezers..............................................2 caloriesAn inflatable doll.................................24 caloriesAny fruit or vegetable..........................19 caloriesexcept watermelon or a sprig of parsleyA vibrator:Hand-operated.................................12 caloriesWindup............................................9 caloriesElectric............................................5 caloriesAnything not mentioned here.................50 caloriesIn a pornographic movie theaterPurchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 caloriesFinding isolated seat.........................78 caloriesAdjusting raincoat.............................3 caloriesYYYYYTypical Sex-Related FearsPartner hates me for what I did............................4 caloriesPartner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 caloriesForgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 caloriesClimaxing too soon.............................................5 caloriesClimaxing too late...............................................6 caloriesNot climaxing......................................................20 caloriesPartner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 caloriesPartner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 caloriesPartner will neglect to administer last ritesshould I not recover from orgasm......................88 caloriesYYYYYPersonal FearsGigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 caloriesStretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 caloriesPenis envy.........................................................................72 caloriesBody odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 caloriesYYYYYGetting CaughtBy partner's spouse.........60 caloriesBy your spouse................60 1/2 caloriesTrying to explain.............165 caloriesStuttering.........................28 caloriesThrowing-up...................40 caloriesCalorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armedYYYYYAlmost Getting CaughtTrying to remain calm...........................100 caloriesFright (includes trembling)...................66 caloriesLeaping out of bed................................25 caloriesGetting dressed in one large motion.....300 caloriesThanking partner quickly......................2 caloriesJumping out of window........................15 caloriesadd 5 calories if window wasnt openLanding................................................1 calorieRunning very fast.................................50 caloriesYYYYYNow go and find your partnerand lose those caloriesand have FUN!Bubba, Daryl And GomerBubba died in a fire and his body was burned prettybadly. The morgue needed someone to identify thebody, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer weresent for.Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll himover." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,ain't Bubba."The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then hebrought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomertook a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt realbad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, itain't Bubba."The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a.......""What? He had two assholes! said the mortician."Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a........ Everytime we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a.........”One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation.As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me.""You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect.If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him.""You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said,"You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."After returning home from an examination, the young woman phoned her gynecology’s and asked. “Doctor, would you see if by chance I left my panties in your office?” He looked in the examining room, returned to the phone, and told her, “I’m afraid they are not here.” “Sorry to trouble you, doctor,” she said. “I’ll try my dentist.”Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."</blockquote>