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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063782726" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal"> Cool One Liners</span></strong></p><p></p><p>My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.</p><p>-- Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.</p><p>-- Rodney Dangerfield</p><p></p><p>A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.</p><p>-- Milton Berle</p><p></p><p>I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.</p><p>-- George Burns</p><p></p><p>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?</p><p>About 30 pounds.</p><p>-- Cindy Garner</p><p></p><p>I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was</p><p>water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,</p><p>"In the lake."</p><p>-- Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.</p><p>-- Phyllis Diller</p><p></p><p>The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.</p><p>-- Henny Youngman</p><p></p><p>After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I</p><p>was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,</p><p>dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."</p><p></p><p>When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than</p><p>to let him keep her.</p><p></p><p>I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to</p><p>interrupt her.</p><p></p><p>My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have</p><p>two girlfriends.</p><p></p><p>A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to</p><p>report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.</p><p></p><p>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the</p><p>street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they</p><p>are beautiful.</p><p></p><p>Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?</p><p></p><p>One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.</p><p></p><p>Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...</p><p></p><p>I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.</p><p></p><p>Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.</p><p></p><p>When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.</p><p></p><p>Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!</p><p></p><p>What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.</p><p></p><p>Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"</p><p></p><p>I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?</p><p>WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.</p><p></p><p>Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?</p><p>Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Bar Jokes</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A guy walks into a bar and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar</p><p>on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and</p><p>make small talk. She accepted.</p><p></p><p>"What's your name?" he asked her.</p><p></p><p>"Carmen," she replied.</p><p></p><p>"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"</p><p></p><p>"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."</p><p></p><p>"Why did you do that?" he asked.</p><p></p><p>"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got</p><p>my name. What's your name?"</p><p></p><p>"Beerpussy," the man replied.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=</span></strong></p><p></p><p>The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.</p><p>The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"</p><p>She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"</p><p>Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=</span></strong></p><p></p><p>A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"</p><p>The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:</p><p>"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Another guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a</p><p>Budweiser."</p><p></p><p>So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he</p><p>notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man, noticing</p><p>that his beer glass is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get</p><p>those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me."</p><p></p><p>The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says, "Don't bother getting</p><p>those girls a drink; it won't do you any good. You're just wasting your</p><p>time."</p><p></p><p>The man says, "Naaa. Give 'em one on me."</p><p></p><p>So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes.</p><p>The girls, out of respect, raise their glasses to the man, and take a</p><p>drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He</p><p>notices that their glasses are empty again, so he yells, "Hey,</p><p>bartender! How about another round over here?"</p><p></p><p>The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good.</p><p>You're just wasting your time."</p><p></p><p>The man, puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the</p><p>hell does that mean I'm just wasting my time?"</p><p></p><p>The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians; we love to eat pussy!"</p><p></p><p>The man gets a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey</p><p>bartender! Three beers for us lesbians!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063782726, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"] Cool One Liners[/COLOR][/B] My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink. When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away! What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained. Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!" I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming? HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small. [B][COLOR="Teal"]Bar Jokes[/COLOR][/B] A guy walks into a bar and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted. "What's your name?" he asked her. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?" "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen." "Why did you do that?" he asked. "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?" "Beerpussy," the man replied. [B][COLOR="Red"]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=[/COLOR][/B] The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?" Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush. [B][COLOR="Red"]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=[/COLOR][/B] A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?" [B][COLOR="Red"]=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=[/COLOR][/B] Another guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man, noticing that his beer glass is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says, "Don't bother getting those girls a drink; it won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give 'em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls, out of respect, raise their glasses to the man, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that their glasses are empty again, so he yells, "Hey, bartender! How about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just wasting your time." The man, puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just wasting my time?" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians; we love to eat pussy!" The man gets a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender! Three beers for us lesbians!" [/QUOTE]
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