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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063740418" data-attributes="member: 14320">Survival Guide For Taking A Dump At Work:It's Long but hysterical ESCAPEEDefinition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinalorforcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden waveof panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receivewhenpassing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standingnext to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it.Noone likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making ajokeor laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machinegunspace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. Ifthisshould happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone hasleftthe bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what justoccurred.COURTESY FLUSHDefinition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose coneofthe poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to anundisclosedlocation. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stinkupthe bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.WALK OF SHAMEDefinition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door afteryouhave just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortablemoment ifsomeone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best topretendthat the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of aCOURTESYFLUSH.OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERDefinition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.Youwill often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with anewspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the officeforthe Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensureemergencypooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitorthe whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFEHAVENS.SAFE HAVENDefinition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyoucan least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sexenteringthe bathroom.TURD BURGLARDefinition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stallandtries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If thisoccurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This wayyouwill avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.CAMO-COUGHDefinition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELONor to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used inconjunctionwith an ASTAIRE.ASTAIREDefinition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURDBURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubtthatthe stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.WATERMELONDefinition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel aWATERMELONcoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANA OMELETDefinition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashesin the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using aCAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.UNCLE TEDDefinition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Couldspend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting onthepot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,asyou should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.FLY BYDefinition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walkin,check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leaveandcome back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. Peoplemaybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly going into thebathroom.CRACK WHOREDefinition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include hairs, stains and streaks.AvoidCRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleanseachparticular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACKWHORE canbecome a SAFE HAVEN.</blockquote>

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