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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063733735" data-attributes="member: 14320">In A Mans World* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.* Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.* Birth control would come in ale or lager.* You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "The Lone Ranger."* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.* "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.* Tanks would be far easier to rent.* Garbage would take itself out.* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.* St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.* But it would be celebrated every month!* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.* The victors in any athletic competition would get to eat the losers for lunch.* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."* Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversationThings I've Learned From The MoviesLarge, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the pricerange of most people-whether they are employed or not.At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. Youwill always choose the right one.Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communicationssystem of any invading alien society.It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involvingmartial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by oneby dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked outtheir predecessors.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroomwill still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert onnuclear fission at the age of 22.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill theirarchenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow theircaptives at least 20 minutes to escape.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpitlevel on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.Once applied, makeup will never rub off-even while scuba diving.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, itwill not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accentwill do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but willwince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strangenoises in their most revealing underwear.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large redreadouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet willknow all the steps.When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak toeach other in English.The VentriloquistA young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."</blockquote>

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