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<blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063722204" data-attributes="member: 14320"><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Beer Troubleshooting</span></strong></p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.</p><p>FAULT: Glass empty.</p><p>ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.</p><p>FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.</p><p>ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.</p><p>FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.</p><p>ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.</p><p>FAULT: Improper bladder control.</p><p>ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.</p><p>FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.</p><p>ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Floor moving.</p><p>FAULT: You are being carried out.</p><p>ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.</p><p>FAULT: You have fallen over backward.</p><p>ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.</p><p>FAULT: You have fallen forward.</p><p>ACTION: See above.</p><p></p><p>SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.</p><p>FAULT: Bar has closed.</p><p>ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Over beers, two friends were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress.</p><p>"I say she's overrated," said one, "Take away her hair, lips, and her figure, what do you have?"</p><p>"My wife!" said the other fellow.</p><p></p><p></p><p>A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?"</p><p></p><p>"That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."</p><p></p><p>The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck." </p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Teal">Magic Tricks</span></strong></p><p></p><p>Little Johnny comes home from school and bursts into the kitchen. "Mum -</p><p>do you know any magic tricks? I need one for 'show and tell' at school</p><p>tomorrow."</p><p></p><p>His mother replies "Fuck Off Little Johnny, I'm too busy making ya</p><p>dinner, go ask your Father."</p><p></p><p>Little Johnny bolts into the kitchen and says "Dad! Do you know any</p><p>magic tricks? I need one for 'show and tell' at school tomorrow."</p><p></p><p>Father replies "Kiss off Johnny, I'm watching TV, Go ask you sister!"</p><p></p><p>Little Johnny runs upstairs and says "Hey sis! Got any magic tricks you</p><p>can show me for show and tell tomorrow morning?"</p><p></p><p>Sis replies, "Piss off Little Johnny - I don't have time for you - go</p><p>bother your Uncle Benny next door!"</p><p></p><p>At this stage, Little Johnny is a bit disheartened but he goes to see</p><p>Uncle Benny next door anyway.</p><p></p><p>"Uncle Benny, do you know any magic tricks - I really need one for show</p><p>and tell tomorrow at school."</p><p></p><p>"As a matter of fact Little Johnny, I do know a magic trick," he</p><p>replied.</p><p></p><p>"Really?! Show me," said Little Johnny.</p><p></p><p>"Ok" said Uncle Benny - "Now, this is my thumb. Have a close look and</p><p>make sure that it's real and not a fake."</p><p></p><p>Little Johnny examines Uncle Benny's thumb carefully.</p><p></p><p>"Now" continued Uncle Benny "Pull down you trousers Little Johnny - and</p><p>your underwear"</p><p></p><p>Little Johnny does this.</p><p></p><p>"Now turn around Little Johnny," continues Uncle Benny</p><p></p><p>Uncle Benny walks up to Little Johnny and says, " Now Little Johnny, can</p><p>you feel my thumb inside of you?"</p><p></p><p>"Yes I can," says Little Johnny</p><p></p><p>Uncle Benny says - "Well surprise - LOOK! -- No hands!!"</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="color: Red">~*~^~*~^~*~</span></strong></p><p></p><p>One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. “What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband. “Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???” “Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="melody, post: 1063722204, member: 14320"] [B][COLOR="Teal"]Beer Troubleshooting[/COLOR][/B] SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. Over beers, two friends were having a discussion about the charms of a certain actress. "I say she's overrated," said one, "Take away her hair, lips, and her figure, what do you have?" "My wife!" said the other fellow. A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck." The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck." [B][COLOR="Teal"]Magic Tricks[/COLOR][/B] Little Johnny comes home from school and bursts into the kitchen. "Mum - do you know any magic tricks? I need one for 'show and tell' at school tomorrow." His mother replies "Fuck Off Little Johnny, I'm too busy making ya dinner, go ask your Father." Little Johnny bolts into the kitchen and says "Dad! Do you know any magic tricks? I need one for 'show and tell' at school tomorrow." Father replies "Kiss off Johnny, I'm watching TV, Go ask you sister!" Little Johnny runs upstairs and says "Hey sis! Got any magic tricks you can show me for show and tell tomorrow morning?" Sis replies, "Piss off Little Johnny - I don't have time for you - go bother your Uncle Benny next door!" At this stage, Little Johnny is a bit disheartened but he goes to see Uncle Benny next door anyway. "Uncle Benny, do you know any magic tricks - I really need one for show and tell tomorrow at school." "As a matter of fact Little Johnny, I do know a magic trick," he replied. "Really?! Show me," said Little Johnny. "Ok" said Uncle Benny - "Now, this is my thumb. Have a close look and make sure that it's real and not a fake." Little Johnny examines Uncle Benny's thumb carefully. "Now" continued Uncle Benny "Pull down you trousers Little Johnny - and your underwear" Little Johnny does this. "Now turn around Little Johnny," continues Uncle Benny Uncle Benny walks up to Little Johnny and says, " Now Little Johnny, can you feel my thumb inside of you?" "Yes I can," says Little Johnny Uncle Benny says - "Well surprise - LOOK! -- No hands!!" [B][COLOR="Red"]~*~^~*~^~*~[/COLOR][/B] One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. “What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband. “Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???” “Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question?” [/QUOTE]
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