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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063716192" data-attributes="member: 14320">Letter Of ApologyA Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired AfterThe Christmas Party....When I came into the office this morning, I noticed asort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and sinceseveral of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch"to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong atthe office Christmas Party. The Office Manager calledme from the hospital today and as this is my last day,I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you.I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, butall of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try totalk to you.First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry forall the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm verymuch aware that your father is not a baboon, nor yourmother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman,and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuanawas strictly a figment of my imagination. Your childrenare undoubtedly yours too. About the water coolerincident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it,and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they weretrying to get the glass jug off.To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my owndefense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoyour little escapade on the stairway as much as I diduntil the bannister broke and we fell eight feet tothe second floor landing. In spite of the rupture youincurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure youwill admit that when we landed it was one of thebiggest thrills you have ever had.Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me forthat little prank I played on you. If I had known youwere goosey, I'd have never done it. It would havebeen a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standingright under the window you jumped through. She reallybroke your fall a lot. People have been killed fallingthree stories.Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you whoturned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had noway of knowing they would make such a bad report ofit. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don'tthey? And the water is cold!!Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening thedoor to the broom closet suddenly must have startledyou and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard youbumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over topull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have toget together for dinner some night after the dentistfinishes your plates.Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing allyour clothes and hiding them when I found you passedout in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, Iwant you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn'tremember where I hid them and you had to go home inthat old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was alittle drunk.To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties onfire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad tohear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, andnot telling them about it until all the drinks weregone was even worse. Now that I have apologized toall of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do mydarndest to come to the picnic......Cannibals, Monkey Smells, Switching HeadsCannibalsTwo cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."Monkey SmellsA man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp."I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family.He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.""But what about the smell?" the friend asked."Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."Switching HeadsThis woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"</blockquote>

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