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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063588391" data-attributes="member: 14320"> Tourette's SyndromeThis bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks intoThe most exclusive restaurant in town.'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck suckingArsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but couldYou please refrain from using that sort of language in here. IWill get the manager as soon as I can'.The manager comes over and the bloke asks,'Are you the f*cking manager of this b*stard place?''Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it ifYou would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, aPrivate restaurant'.'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?''Pardon?' says the manager.'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece ofShit, show me your c*nting piano.''Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job'And he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?''Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play theMost inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that theManager has ever heard.'That's superb. What's it called?''I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs KeptHurting My Dick,' replies the bloke.The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows anyJazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz soloThe manager has ever heard.'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?''I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My BallsCaught In The Soap Drawer'.The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows anyRomantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreakingMelody the manager has ever heard,'And what's this called?' asks the manager.'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining OffYour Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offersHim the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of hisSongs or talk to any of the customers.This arrangement works well for a couple of months until oneNight, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he hasEver laid his eyes on.She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almostFalling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal herAmple charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open,Sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter isDripping down her chin.The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to theGents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hearsThe manager's voice.'Where's that b*stard pianist?'He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runsBack to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly,Sits down and starts playing some more tunes.The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over andWhispers in his ear,'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousersAnd dripping spunk on your shoes?''Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'Kenny, Stinko DrunkKenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as heoften did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bedwearing a long flowing white robe."Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in mybedroom?".The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much tolive for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send meback straight away".St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. Wecan only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, butknowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sentback as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers andclucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought untilhe felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, howare you enjoying your first day here?""It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling insidelike I'm about to explode"."You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've neverlaid an egg before"."Never" replies Kenny"Well just relax and let it happen"And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him andhis emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for thefirst time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the bestthing that ever happened to him... ever!!!The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg hefelt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wifeshouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!@@@A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back?Paul - yes - but women like to keep a hold on the man's balls indefinitely!</blockquote>