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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063526795" data-attributes="member: 14320">Henny Youngman Classic ComedyHenny Youngman's Favorite Insults:I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.He was born on April 2. A day late.I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it...He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce.Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.Look at him, sex takes a holiday!She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.Airline JokesGetting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"Doctor JokesA doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!""Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!""Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!Drunk JokesA drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"Golf JokesThe other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"Hollywood JokesHollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.Homeless Guys JokesA bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."</blockquote>

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