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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1063489544" data-attributes="member: 14320"> Cool Blonde JokeThis has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make allyou technologically challenged people feel GOOD:A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, somethingnice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her acell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of itsfeatures. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored hernew phone.The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to herastonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,"how do you like your new phone?"Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear asa bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though...""What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband."How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"===============THE LOVE DRESSA woman stopped by unannounced at herson's house. She knocked on the door thenimmediately walked in. She was shocked toSee her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing, and thearoma of perfume filled the room."What are you doing?" she asked."I'm waiting for John to come home fromwork," the daughter-in-law Answered."But you're naked!" The mother-in-lawexclaimed."This is my love dress." The daughter-in-lawexplained."Love dress? But you're naked!""John loves me to wear this dress." Sheexplained. "It excites him to no End. Everytime he sees me in this dress, he instantlybecomes romantic and ravages me forhours. He can't get enough of me".The mother-in-law left. When she gothome she undressed, showered, puton her best perfume, dimmed the lights,put on a romantic CD, and laid on thecouch waiting for her husband to arrive.Finally, her husband came Home. Hewalked in and saw her lying there soprovocatively."What are you doing?" He asked."This is my love dress," she whispered,sensually."Needs ironing" he said - "What's fordinner?"How To Shit Like a Woman/Man How to shit like a woman:Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.How to shit like a man:Select reading material.Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tellgirlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching thetoilet rim.Open reading material and relax.Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal toexperience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of thefirst bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legsand buttocks.Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to reportto friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visibletraces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paperbefore throwing it into the bowl.Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on thepaper.Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstancesattempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can useit again later).Wash your hands once.Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man'sself-esteem that other people smell his produce.</blockquote>

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