A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^

[TH8]

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Institute of Mental Health. He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home after unloading the stuff. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix on the new tyre, he accidentally dropped all the
bolts into the drain. The truck driver was very sad as he can't fish the bolts up; started to panic. Coincidentally, one patient walked past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient nonchalantly replied: "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." he goes on explaining:

"You just have to take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why do you stay in IMH?"
Patient replied: "I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

 

[SDF]

Dear fellow ZTH friends .. please do not be offended on this pic... but when i received it.. i couldn't help laugh till tears.. if ANYONE finds this offensive i'll remove immediately.. Thanx..

 

[5115]

the one at the back might just want to have a taxi ride,don't think too much

 

[xbalance2002]

Pussy and Bitch

A kid come home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She say "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at schools are using 2 words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at schools are using words i don't know, and i asked mom and i dont think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "ok" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

 

[XTEC]

This truly is a real classic

Envelope sent by LHDN (Inland Revenue Board), a True story...

A taxpayer called up the LHDN (Inland Revenue Board) in Terengganu, and asked for Form B.
The LHDN clerk who answered the call asked for the address to send the form to.
The conversation goes:…

LHDN CLERK: Boleh bagi alamat encik? (Can you give me your address?)
TAXPAYER: Ok, hantar ke Ranhill Worley. (Send to Ranhill Worley)
LHDN CLERK: Apa Ranhill?...... eja macam mana? (err... How to spell Ranhill?)
TAXPAYER: R... for Rumah... A for Ayam (Chicken).. N for Nangka
(Jackfruit)... H for Holland (country) .... I for itik
(Duck)... L for lain- lain(Others).....'

LHDN CLERK: Ok.. Nanti kami hantar ke alamat itu (OK, we will send to that address..)


After waiting for a week, the form arrived - have a look at the address on the envelope!!

MALAYSIA BOLEH

 

[XTEC]

This truly is a real classic

Envelope sent by LHDN (Inland Revenue Board), a True story...

A taxpayer called up the LHDN (Inland Revenue Board) in Terengganu, and asked for Form B.
The LHDN clerk who answered the call asked for the address to send the form to.
The conversation goes:…

LHDN CLERK: Boleh bagi alamat encik? (Can you give me your address?)
TAXPAYER: Ok, hantar ke Ranhill Worley. (Send to Ranhill Worley)
LHDN CLERK: Apa Ranhill?...... eja macam mana? (err... How to spell Ranhill?)
TAXPAYER: R... for Rumah... A for Ayam (Chicken).. N for Nangka
(Jackfruit)... H for Holland (country) .... I for itik
(Duck)... L for lain- lain(Others).....'

LHDN CLERK: Ok.. Nanti kami hantar ke alamat itu (OK, we will send to that address..)


After waiting for a week, the form arrived - have a look at the address on the envelope!!

MALAYSIA BOLEH

 

[calvin9683]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourk e

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .

 

[calvin9683]

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner....... who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote :

--------------Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that& you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar----------------------
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :
----------------------Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...Love, Mom. ---------------------- Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian!

 

[corona_ice]

Have a good laugh.... 4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital..while waiting for their wives to give birth.Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy, "congratulation, you got twins!"."Ohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy."I am working with the Petronas Twin Towers ". Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy,"congratulation! you have triplets!" "Wooow!, this is a coincident too" said the second daddy. ? "I am working for 3M Corporation"Another nurse came out and told the third daddy, ? "Congratulation! Isteri you dapat kembar empat," "Alhamdulillah! Maybe this is also a coincident". "I kerja di Four Season Hotel!" While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled worry.All the 3 daddies asked him, why do you seem so worried??"He answered, "I am working with Seven-Eleven"

 

[zac]

Letter to Mr Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'Start' but there is no 'Stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 'Re-scooter' is available in system? I find only 'Re-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft Word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6.. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
xemo

P.S.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but you are selling WINDOWS?

 

[corona_ice]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

---------- Post added at 02:33 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:31 PM ----------

Dating With Different Type of Chics

Many peeple been asking me teach them the Art of Dating. So, today i will give you
a summary about what you should expect when dating with chic from different race.

Chineses Piaomei



First date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!

Third date
You usually don't get up to third date beacuse you are smart enough to realize that
nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN MINACHI



First date
Meet her parents.

Second date
Set the date of the wedding.

Third date
Wedding night.

MALAY MINAH


First date
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date
She moves in.
One week later, her father, , her 4 mother, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)

WHITE MARY


First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.

ARAB AL-KATIJAH



First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date
You are shot dead.

Third date
Not Applicable

---------- Post added at 02:34 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:33 PM ----------

Subject: Swearing at work


Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
in an effective manner.



1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training

Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?



2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.


Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch



3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late


Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?



4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole



5. Try Saying: Really?

Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with
a telegraph pole



6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...


Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.



7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.


Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.



8. Try Saying: That's interesting.


Instead Of: What the f***?



9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given
timescale.


Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.



10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in


Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?



11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.



12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?


Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.



13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway


Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

 

[corona_ice]

My kind of Doctor!


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[bullet_nos]

1 LINE HUMOUR

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

21. They call our language the Mother Tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

22. Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

23. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality, just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
24. Wife: Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

25. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

26. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

27. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

 

[TH8]

Just for laughs and not meant to discrimate our Muslim frens but if Moderator finds this is not appropriate then by all means remove this!

SAUDI MARRIAGE COUNSELLING: A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla,
preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counseling. The
Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, 'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with
men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together.'

'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah. 'It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately.'

'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah, 'It's forbidden in Islam.'

'Well, okay,' says Ahmed, 'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, 'Al..h Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK
within marriage, to have children!'

'What about different positions?' asks the man.
'Al..h Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem),' says the Mullah.

'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah. 'Al..h Akbar. Go for it!'

'Doggy style?'
'Sure! Al..h Akbar!'

'On the kitchen table?'
'Yes, yes! Al..h Akbar!'

'Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?'
'You may indeed.. Al..h Akbar!'

'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'

'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing!

---------- Post added at 11:29 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:21 AM ----------

Here's another one:

A little girl asked her father:
"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made"

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered. "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and mom said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."

Have a great weekend ahead!!!

 

[zac]

Cute Fish... lol