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Message: <blockquote data-quote="WeeWee" data-source="post: 144841" data-attributes="member: 5391">Dial-a-BernieIt sure was nice of Bernie Ecclestone to finally grant us poor peasants the ability to listen in on some of the in-car radio conversations during the Chinese Grand Prix, wasn’t it? That Bernie, what a generous guy! Unfortunately, the standard dialogue between the drivers and the teams didn’t prove to be all that interesting. I, for one, would much rather have the opportunity to listen in on Bernie’s daily cell phone conversations. One can only imagine the fascinating exchanges that must take place among F1’s elite. Sunday, September 5, 2004. One week before the Italian Grand Prix at Monza. Bernie Ecclestone calls Flavio Briatore on his cell phone. Flavio Briatore: Hello, sexy supermodel! This is Flavio speaking! Bernie Ecclestone: Hello, Flavio, it’s Bernie. FB: Bernie? That’s a strange name for a supermodel. BE: I’m not a supermodel. This is Bernie Ecclestone. We need to talk. FB: You’re not a supermodel? This is Flavio’s special supermodel hotline. How did you get this number? BE: Never mind that. Listen, I need you to do something for me. FB: Are you sure you’re not a supermodel? You sound very sexy. BE: Shut up and listen! I want you to fire Jarno Trulli and bring Villeneuve into the Renault team for the last three races of the season. I’ll foot the bill for everything, so don’t worry about the expenses. This season has been a disaster. We have do something to pique the interest of the fans or no one is going to watch these last few races. FB: Villeneuve? Is she a supermodel? Can you get me her number? BE: No no, Jacques Villeneuve. You know, the 1997 world champion? Son of the great Gilles Villeneuve? FB: Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. (His other line beeps.) Whoops, hold on a minute, Flavio has another call. (He switches lines, returning after a few minutes.) That was formerly sexy Heidi Klum. She keeps calling me, something about having a baby. I keep telling her, “Flavio is a man! Men can’t have babies!” But she won’t leave me alone. BE: (sighs) Just get rid of Trulli and hire Villeneuve. I’ll make it worth your while. FB: Paris Hilton. BE: What? FB: Get me sexy supermodel Paris Hilton and I’ll dump Trulli like he was Naomi Campbell. BE: Paris Hilton isn’t really a supermodel, is she? She’s more a fashionista floozy. (His other line beeps.) Hold on a minute, Flavio. I have another call. (He switches lines.) Hello? Michael Schumacher: Hello Bernard, it’s Michael. I just received a message that you have been trying to reach me. BE: Yes, hello Michael. Listen, I know you guys are planning to let Rubens have some wins now that the championship is over, and I just wanted to ask you to try to be discreet about it. Don’t stop on the last lap so he can pass you or anything, okay? Let him get by you in the pits or something. MS: Five million dollars. BE: What? MS: Per race. BE: I’m not sure what you mean. MS: Don’t play dumb with me, Bernard. You know exactly what I mean. Five million dollars per race and I’ll let you dictate exactly how I’m going to “lose” to Twobens. Otherwise, I let him by on the last corner at every race and make a mockery of the entire series. BE: I wish you wouldn’t call him “Twobens.” Someday you’re going to let that slip in a press conference and the illusion will be ruined. MS: I don’t let things slip. I am Michael Schumacher, seven-time world champion. BE: Fine, whatever. Just tell me which races you’re going to give him. MS: Monza, China, and Brazil. I’m keeping Japan because I love Suzuka. BE: Fair enough. I’ll wire you the $15 million tomorrow. MS: Excellent. How do you want me to lose? BE: Let’s see... At Monza, I want you to spin on the first lap of the race. MS: Okay, but I’m still going to come back and finish second. Monza is Ferrari’s home race. We have to have a one-two. BE: (sighs) That’s going to look a bit sketchy, but I guess I can live with it. At China, I want you to spin during your qualifying lap and start the race from the back. Do a spin like the one you did during the preliminary qualifying session at Silverstone so you wouldn’t have to go out last during the second session. That was good, much better than the other idiots who just stopped on the track right before the finish line. MS: Spin during qualifying at China. Check. And Brazil? BE: Why don’t you get into an on-track skirmish with Jacques Villeneuve and take him out, just like you tried to do at Jerez in ’97? That would really give the fans something to talk about! MS: Jacques Villeneuve? BE: Yes. We’re bringing him back with Renault for the last three races, just to spice things up a bit. MS: (Laughs hysterically for a prolonged period. Eventually begins hyperventilating, unable to stop laughing.) BE: (muttering) Look, I’m on the other line. I have to let you go. (He switches lines.) Flavio? Are you still there? FB: Claudia? BE: No, this is Bernie. Do we have a deal? FB: Yes. I will tell the mechanics to sabotage Jarno’s car at Monza, and when he complains about not getting equal equipment, I will say he’s paranoid and fire him. In exchange, you will have sexy Paris Hilton made available to me by the beginning of October. BE: Fine, fine. I can probably get her pretty easily. In fact, we can videotape your rendezvous with her, sell in on the Internet, and make enough cash to fund a new team! Or redecorate one of my upstairs bathrooms. Whichever. FB: The new “Bernievision”! You are truly brilliant! BE: Yes, I know. That’s why I own Formula One. Goodbye, Flavio. FB: Goodbye, sexy Bernie! End transmission. :lol:</blockquote>

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