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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 1064530982" data-attributes="member: 14320">Fun Things To Do In ChurchPut stray dogs in coat closets. Un-tune the piano. Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven". Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?" Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts. Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?" Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. Start a wave. Do cool things with the lighting. Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant. Make up your own words to the songs. Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "HEY. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly. Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service. Dress all in camo. Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service. If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead. At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus. Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks. Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in. Inflate balloons, then send them off. Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons. Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face. Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago." Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them. Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen. Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is. When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number. Blow bubbles. Fake a possession. Distribute condoms. Speak in tongues. Ask where the nearest ashtray is. Drool in the collection plate. Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians. After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed. Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry". At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside. Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"</blockquote>

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