Jokes Corner - Laughter is the Best Medicine

[JtuneD]

Once upon a time there was 3 fat fellows A,B and C..3 of them have a diffrent hobbies tat usually all the guys had! :P A likes to have sex with girls(almost everyday must have sex!!) , B is a heavy alcohol drinker (everyday went to pub and have a drink!) ,C is a heavy smoker (must smoke at least 3 packs a day!)

So...one day,while 3 of them are sleepping..they've make a wish to the lord!

A's wish ( hope i can get the prettist chic from all over the world and have sex with them in a private island with only me and the chics!!)

B's wish ( hope i can get the best alc0hol,whiskey,wine from all over the world and fully enjoy it in a private island with only me with all the alchohol!! )

C's wish ( hope i can get the best ciggratte & cigars from all over the world and i can enjoy those cigge alone in a private island with only me and all those cigge!!)

And then the next morning....something strange happens,3 of them woke up in a shock when they realised they are in the island with all those stuff they had wish yesterday nite..thanks to one of the Lord so called himself "Dream comes true"!!

After ten years and the Lord "Dream comes True" think he should pay a visit to this 3 fellows..the 1st he met was A...the Lord asked A..."So,are u enjoyed in this ten years??"..A answered "Tat was great by having sex with so many chics.."but after tat he died because of having too much of sex but with satisfaction!!

The next person to visit is B...the Lord asked the same question again and B answered "Thanks for giving me the best alchohol..."..he died too after tat because he drink too much!...although A & B died but the Lord thinks tat he had done a great job by making their wish comes true!So...he finally visit C in the other island...& he thought C too will be satisfied like A & B!!..but when the Lord met C,he asked the same question again...without any doubt C shouted to the Lord " F**K you??..U r such an asshole U idiot!!??!!" answered C in full angry way!!..
The Lord was shock..and he asked "Did i give u all the best ciggrette and cigars from all over the world??!!..& u still not satisfied??"......C answered " YOU F**KING MORON, U SUPPLYING ME ALL THE BEST CIGGE...BUT WHERE'S THE LIGHTER??HOW DO U WANT ME TO SMOKE ALL THE CIGGE???.!!...
And finally the Lord fainted.... :P :lol:




Guys and gals...i know this is quite a boring jokes....hope u all dun mind okie?? ;) :P :D :lol: :rolleyes:

 

[cyclonite]

Two ghost met and both chat about how they died....

1st ghost : How u died?

2nd ghost : I died of coldness.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?

2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I
was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the
whole
world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.

1st ghost : You're so pityful....

2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.

2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with
another man.

One day, when I came back from work, I saw a pair of man shoes outside
my
house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife.
When I
rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I said I must find where
that
fella is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in
the
storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and
searched
the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that
running, I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the fella in the fridge? If you
did,both of us were alive now!

 

[lancerfreak86]

Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

[lancerfreak86]

When a student listen to too much music!
Mr. Eric was walking around the form 3 block when he saw one of the form 3 class, 3'T', making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened....
Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Anand : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now Office

Time: 0900 hrs

Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Anand : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Anand : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Anand : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Anand : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold)
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Anand : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Anand : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Anand : "1,2,345,Everybody In The Car..."(Lou Bega)
Mr.Er ic: Do you always play in class?
Anand : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I..."(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Anand : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Anand : "Every Morning They're A Hello..."(Sugar Ray)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Aanad : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Anand : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Anand : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Anand : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Anand : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Anand : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Anand : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Anand : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)

 

[lancerfreak86]

WHY LADIES MUST KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

One day, an Ang Moh from USAarrived at KLIAAirport.
After he checked out from the customs,
he f elt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance.
When he was about to enter the toilet,
the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA
they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay),
but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do
it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here?"
The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand
English.

The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him,
so he stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay),
and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"

He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck
them.
The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help,
"TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!"
The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."

 

[lancerfreak86]

wat happen if students play too much Counter-Strike....

 

[lancerfreak86]

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

 

[SDF]

Toilet Graffitti.... :D

> Graffiti 1
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Here I lie in stinky vapor,
>
>
> Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
>
>
> Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
>
>
> Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
>
>
>
>
> the he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 2
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Here I sit
>
>
> Broken hearted
>
>
> Tried to shit
>
>
> But only farted
>
>
>
>
>
>
> some one who had a different experience wrote
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 3
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> You're lucky
>
>
> You had your chance
>
>
> I tried to fart,
>
>
> And shit my pants!
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Perhaps it is true that people get inspiration in
> toilets
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 4
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> I came here
>
>
> To shit and stink,
>
>
> But all I do
>
>
> Is sit and think.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> There are also people who come in for a different
> purpose
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 5
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Some come here to sit and think,
>
>
> Some come here to shit and stink,
>
>
> But I come here to scratch my balls,
>
>
> And read the bullshit on the walls...
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Toilets walls are also job advertisement
> places.......
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 6
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> (written high upon the wall)
>
>
> If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire
>
>
> Department wants you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Ministry of environment advertisement
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 7
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> We aim to please!
>
>
> You aim too! Please!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 8
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> seen above a urinal:
>
>
> Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
>
>
> We don't piss in your ashtrays!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 9
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> On the inside of a toilet door:
>
>
> Patrons are requested to remain seated
>
>
> throughout the entire performance.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 10
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> a sign at a swimming pool bathroom:
>
>
> We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in
>
>
> our pool.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 11
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
>
>
> Welcome to our ool.
>
>
> Notice there's no P in it.
>
>
> Please keep it that way.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> This should teach you a lesson
>
>
> Washroom Graffiti 12
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Sign seen at a restaurant:
>
>
> The hands that clean these toilets also make your
>
>
> food...please aim properly.
>

 

[essential]

Chastity Belt for the Crusader's Wife

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What's wrong?' ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!” :lol:

 

[essential]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop; with them are their 12 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 12 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies, "If you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be on the bus right now!!

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma and the STPM failures:
Today's posting is mostly about students who failed all STPM examination subjects and have to make some tough decisions on their future careers.
The mainstream media had given much publicity to the 128 straight A students who experienced problems in getting places to study medicine in the local universities. But what about the miserable failures? There is no media publicity of any sort regarding their fate. They are humans as
well, aren't they? (Note: Only their parents are allowed to say that they aren't.) If you cut them, do they not bleed? If you fail them, do they not cry? If you scold them, do they not say, "Fark you"?
But not to worry. The 5Star is here! In the name of service to all segments of society, the nation's best newspaper has devoted a column to cater to the aspirations of the goof-offs and lazy bums who did badly in the STPM, and who are now unable to get a place in the university. Our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma, former karaoke lounge singer (very famous one, hooiyoh) is here to answer questions from the affected students.

*****
Dear Lai Ma
I failed in all my STPM subjects. I blame no one but myself. I was always skipping classes. The whole school called me the "ponteng king". The teachers, prefects, gardeners, jagas, office peons and canteen staff would often see me loitering in the corridors and they would try
to capture me. But I was always too fast for them, and easily evaded capture. Now that I've failed every subject, I do not know what to do. Don't ask me to repeat STPM again because I will surely die.
Pontengarajah
Dear Pontengarajah
We at the 5Star feel your pain. We feel your sorrow. We feel like kicking you in the butt for pontenging class. I think you have a problem with authority. But you also have the necessary skills to evade capture. The most logical career choice for you is to become a VCD seller. Easy job. But need to run sometimes. However, my talkcock editor tells me that we should not advise people to do things that are not right. So listen carefully. Selling is right. Running also right. But getting caught is not right.

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma
My dream in life is to become a crony. But I failed all my subjects in STPM. I now have no opportunity to go to the university to study how to become a crony. My life is over. My friends tell me that I should just kill myself. Should I listen to them?
Wang Busat
Dear Wang Busat
Oi........what kind of friends you have? And summore you call them "friends"? Not being able to get into the university is no reason to kill yourself. Besides, which university can teach you how to be a crony? If you want to be a crony, you must first learn how to bodek gahmen officials. The best place to learn is at the golf course. Take up a job as a caddy in a golf course. Then observe how businessmen bodek civil servants as they play golf. It is not as easy as you think.
Businessmen must try not to win the game. The only way to do so is to purposely keep hitting the ball into the water. This is the way, mah. Every crony knows this by heart. Then only can get projects. Outside the golf course, you can see boys selling lots of golf balls fished out from the ponds. Why are so many people losing balls?
So many people bodeking, that's why. After two or three years at the golf course, you should learn enough to become a bodek expert. After that, you can easily become a crony. Once you become a successful crony, you can go and to tell your present friends to go fark themselves.

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma
All the universities rejected my application for entry. I can't understand why. I sent them a certificate that stated very clearly that my CGPA was 6.5. I know that all the other applicants have CGPA of less than 4.0.
There is no good reason why the universities don't want to accept me. Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu lan
Dear Tu lan
Ni na beh.......where got people obtain CGPA 6.5 one? Closed eyes also I know that you printed the certificate yourself! Wa lau eh, bullshit also don't know how to bullshit properly. I ought to come over and whack your thick head. But my talkcock editor said that we are a five star paper,
and I must give you good advice. I told him to go fly kite. If everybody print their own certificates, then what for conduct examinations anymore?
My advice to you is to stop printing nonsense. If you still want to further your studies, you can go and apply to get into the Lame Cock Wank Institute. They are always looking for creative students. After they finished laughing at your creative CGPA of 6.5, I am sure that they will accept you.

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma
I want to become duck. My STPM results got many 'A's but I not so like to go university. People say university graduates earn small money. I want have big big money. And fast. I so the very handsome and energetic. Supple torso. You think I can be good duck or not?
Pelvic Elric
Dear Pelvic
What kind of broken English are you talking? The proper word to use is "gigolo", not "duck". To be a good gigolo you must have very polished and refined language skills. Rich lonely women don't just want action.
They're lonely, not stupid. They want intelligent and stimulating conversation also. You talk one kind like that, how to get good business? I advise you to enroll in a university and study a proper course, like Mass Communications. And after you graduate, you should be able to speak like James
Bond.
Then you can introduce yourself in a sophisticated manner, like saying, "My name is Elric....Pelvic Elric. How do you do? And how you want to do?" When meeting prospective clients, you must show off your degree. Then only can command high price. Like that, mah!

 

[khtong]

lidat oso can... :huh: :o