Jokes Corner - Laughter is the Best Medicine

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma and the STPM failures:
Today's posting is mostly about students who failed all STPM examination subjects and have to make some tough decisions on their future careers.
The mainstream media had given much publicity to the 128 straight A students who experienced problems in getting places to study medicine in the local universities. But what about the miserable failures? There is no media publicity of any sort regarding their fate. They are humans as
well, aren't they? (Note: Only their parents are allowed to say that they aren't.) If you cut them, do they not bleed? If you fail them, do they not cry? If you scold them, do they not say, "Fark you"?
But not to worry. The 5Star is here! In the name of service to all segments of society, the nation's best newspaper has devoted a column to cater to the aspirations of the goof-offs and lazy bums who did badly in the STPM, and who are now unable to get a place in the university. Our 5Star columnist, Ms Lai Ma, former karaoke lounge singer (very famous one, hooiyoh) is here to answer questions from the affected students.

*****
Dear Lai Ma
I failed in all my STPM subjects. I blame no one but myself. I was always skipping classes. The whole school called me the "ponteng king". The teachers, prefects, gardeners, jagas, office peons and canteen staff would often see me loitering in the corridors and they would try
to capture me. But I was always too fast for them, and easily evaded capture. Now that I've failed every subject, I do not know what to do. Don't ask me to repeat STPM again because I will surely die.
Pontengarajah
Dear Pontengarajah
We at the 5Star feel your pain. We feel your sorrow. We feel like kicking you in the butt for pontenging class. I think you have a problem with authority. But you also have the necessary skills to evade capture. The most logical career choice for you is to become a VCD seller. Easy job. But need to run sometimes. However, my talkcock editor tells me that we should not advise people to do things that are not right. So listen carefully. Selling is right. Running also right. But getting caught is not right.

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma
My dream in life is to become a crony. But I failed all my subjects in STPM. I now have no opportunity to go to the university to study how to become a crony. My life is over. My friends tell me that I should just kill myself. Should I listen to them?
Wang Busat
Dear Wang Busat
Oi........what kind of friends you have? And summore you call them "friends"? Not being able to get into the university is no reason to kill yourself. Besides, which university can teach you how to be a crony? If you want to be a crony, you must first learn how to bodek gahmen officials. The best place to learn is at the golf course. Take up a job as a caddy in a golf course. Then observe how businessmen bodek civil servants as they play golf. It is not as easy as you think.
Businessmen must try not to win the game. The only way to do so is to purposely keep hitting the ball into the water. This is the way, mah. Every crony knows this by heart. Then only can get projects. Outside the golf course, you can see boys selling lots of golf balls fished out from the ponds. Why are so many people losing balls?
So many people bodeking, that's why. After two or three years at the golf course, you should learn enough to become a bodek expert. After that, you can easily become a crony. Once you become a successful crony, you can go and to tell your present friends to go fark themselves.

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma
All the universities rejected my application for entry. I can't understand why. I sent them a certificate that stated very clearly that my CGPA was 6.5. I know that all the other applicants have CGPA of less than 4.0.
There is no good reason why the universities don't want to accept me. Why the world so fucked up?
Chin Tu lan
Dear Tu lan
Ni na beh.......where got people obtain CGPA 6.5 one? Closed eyes also I know that you printed the certificate yourself! Wa lau eh, bullshit also don't know how to bullshit properly. I ought to come over and whack your thick head. But my talkcock editor said that we are a five star paper,
and I must give you good advice. I told him to go fly kite. If everybody print their own certificates, then what for conduct examinations anymore?
My advice to you is to stop printing nonsense. If you still want to further your studies, you can go and apply to get into the Lame Cock Wank Institute. They are always looking for creative students. After they finished laughing at your creative CGPA of 6.5, I am sure that they will accept you.

 

[wannabe]

Dear Lai Ma
I want to become duck. My STPM results got many 'A's but I not so like to go university. People say university graduates earn small money. I want have big big money. And fast. I so the very handsome and energetic. Supple torso. You think I can be good duck or not?
Pelvic Elric
Dear Pelvic
What kind of broken English are you talking? The proper word to use is "gigolo", not "duck". To be a good gigolo you must have very polished and refined language skills. Rich lonely women don't just want action.
They're lonely, not stupid. They want intelligent and stimulating conversation also. You talk one kind like that, how to get good business? I advise you to enroll in a university and study a proper course, like Mass Communications. And after you graduate, you should be able to speak like James
Bond.
Then you can introduce yourself in a sophisticated manner, like saying, "My name is Elric....Pelvic Elric. How do you do? And how you want to do?" When meeting prospective clients, you must show off your degree. Then only can command high price. Like that, mah!

 

[khtong]

lidat oso can... :huh: :o

 

[khtong]

u think leon lai tall....

c this.....












:o

 

[synail]

100 nuns


The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session.

Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak.....

Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here, yesterday."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s underwear."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And it has been used."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"

1 nun: "Oh no!"
99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"

 

[maniac]

ah lian : beng R, i want to resign oledi
ah beng: why leh? u cannot resign la!
ah lian : why i cannot
ah beng : becoz hor,.. u got no lam pa ma..
ah lian : why got no lam pa cannot resign
ah beng : because u got no lam pa to shake also ( eeoo lam pa ) :lol:

 

[feerio]

Originally posted by khtong@Sep 14 2004, 12:07
u think leon lai tall....

c this.....

now this really fits the sentence "looking down on people"! :lol:

 

[jaywat]

I don't know whether you guys heard of this story:

If u feel offended, please stop reading immediately

This is a story about the Wish Pond, pond u make wish after you throw 10cents into it...then your wish comes true

Story goes like this..

Ah Beng heard his friend said about this wishing pond so he goes and try out...

He throws 10 cents into the pond...in a while..a wish giver appear out of nowhere..

Wish giver: So you have thrown in 10 cents, now you have 3 wishes...name me the first one..

Ah beng starts to think...not sure what wish to tell...he thought he want all the thing in the world...so he says..

Ah Beng: eeerrrrr.....what ever lan j*ao i also want!!

Granting his first wish...the wish giver give him all the lan j*aos in the world...cats one, dog one, lembu one, horse one, elephants one...and many other animal..

Seeing all the lan j*ao appear in front of him, ah beng started to feel scared and intimidated...so he quickly make the second wish....

Ah Beng: Mai liao mai liao!!....whatever lan j*ao i also don't want!!!

Granting his second wish...the wish giver take away all the lan j*ao.....including his.....hmmmm

Ah Beng starts to feel panic again...seeing his own lan j*ao also disappears...then he make the third wish.....

Ah Beng: aaarrrrr.....i want my old lan j*ao back!!!

So wish giver grant him back his lan j*ao....with shrinked size and wrinkles.......*pop*..the wish giver dissappear...leaving ah beng with his old lan j*ao....

 

[-fRëɧt¥£3R-]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the
>breeding bulls exhibit.
>
>They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
>"This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
>The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
>times last year."
>
>They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
>bull mated 120 times last year."
>
>The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
>week! You could learn a lot from him."
>
>They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
>capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
>
>The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
>"That's once a DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
>The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the
>same cow."
>
>NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
>the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will
>likely be okay .

 

[-fRëɧt¥£3R-]

Subject: spam: 8 words with two meanings
> >
> > 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
> > Female... Any part under a car's hood.
> > Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
> >
> > 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
> > Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
> > Male.... Playing football without a cup.
> >
> > 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
> > Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
> > Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
>boys.>
> >
> > 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
> > Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
> > Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
> >
> > 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
> > Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
> > Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer
> >
> > 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
> > Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
> > Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
> >
> > 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
> > Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
> > Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
> >
> > 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
> > Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
> > Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
> >
> >
> > AND;
> >
> >
> > He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
> > in
> > it.
> > She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
> >
> >
> > He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> > She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
> > sit
> > on the sofa and fart!
> >
> > He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
> > She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
> >
> > He said . . .... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
> > She said . .. I would but you're never there.
> >
> > He said . . Why did the man cross the road?
> > She said. He heard the chicken was a slut.
> >
> > He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
> > She said .. . . They don't have time
> >
> > He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
> > She said ... . We don't know; it has never happened.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every
> > night?
> > He said . . . A widow.
> >
> > He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
> > She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
>b> ed.
> > Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[goslow]

Re: Subaru imprezza sti V9 S204 for sale (Limited edition) VERY RARE

Actually, whatever price the seller wanna put up is none of our concern UNLESS you have intention of purchasing it. It's a willing seller, willing buyer situation.

My point is actually on the claims of spending RM100K on the engine but it looked totally stock.

IMHO, I do think that other forummers do have the right to be concerned and comment on the price whether they have any intentions of buying or not. In business sense, even if I have 333k cash on hand to spend on a S204, I will also flame the fellow in hope to get a better price. Forummers have rights to post at whatever prices, others have the right to comment whatever they feel in my believe, as long as it's relevant.

Come on, one can use up so much of zth's bandwidth and storage to post up stock looking engine bay pics and claim 100k worth of mods and others can comment or flame?Please be fair.

Moreover, it's these flamings and arguements that make forums interesting. zth, lowyat, autoworld, etc. And when things get out of hand, there are always moderators to control the situation. I don't see them anywhere, yet.

If everything needs to be serene, all sugar and spice..might as well post the car in some allsaints forum and see if the priests there are interested.

Anyway, this is already very calm compared to some, where cars are advertised at 50 - 100% more than their market value, claiming to have this and that. Then, at the last paragraph, no lowballers, idiots, etc..WTF?You posted up prices like these and I become the lowballer?

This is hypocrisy