AUTOMOTIVE & DRIVING HUMOR
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"
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A car speeding down the highway loses control, goes through a guard rail, rolls down a cliff, bounces off a tree, lands upside down and finally stops, wheels spinning in the air, smoke and steam pouring out from under the hood.
A passing motorist, who witnessed the entire accident, helps the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good Lord Mister, he gasps, are you drunk?"
"Of course!," says the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am? A stunt driver or something?"
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I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a red Mustang doing 85 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this will be as good as new one. So how come you get the big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing with the engine running."
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The Perfect Wife
A man was driving a car with his wife when he was suddenly stopped by a cop. The cop says, "good evening sir, you were going 80 in a 60 Km zone."
The guy says, "no, I wasn't." The wife turns to him and says, "yes, dear you certainly were." The man says, "why don't you just keep your mouth closed?"
Then the cop says, "you also didn't have your seat belt on sir." Naturally the guy says, "sure I had it on." Again the woman says, "no honey, I'm afraid you didn't" The man turn around and speaks to the woman in a violent manner, "I told you to shut the hell up!"
Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "excuse me ma'am, but is this your husband?" The woman says, "yes I'm afraid so." "Is he always this mean and rude with you?" The woman says, "Oh no officer, it only happens when he's very drunk."
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Out of Step
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering his phone he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Frank, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be extra careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"
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An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer. The policeman told him that several kilometres back, the passenger door had jolted open and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man glances over towards the passenger seat and says, "Well thank heavens for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. Further down the road the Truck Driver saw a Toll Collector beside the road taking his lunch break. He turned the truck onto a direct course with the toll collector. Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck... I can't run down this toll collector. So at the last second the Truckie swerved to miss the toll collector.
But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but couldn't see anything. He then turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that toll collector at the side of the road. "And the priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."
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This bloke bought a new Mercedes sports coupe and took it out on the highway to enjoy his new purchase. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 160 kph he suddenly saw a flashing blue and red light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch my Mercedes," he thought to himself and pressed the peddle to the floor. The needle hit 190 but still the cop stayed on his tail. "What in hell am I doing?" the driver thought and wisely pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word then examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last booking," he said. I don't feel like any more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I've never heard before, I'll let you off!"
The driver thought a moment, then said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop....and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night and tone down your speed", said the officer.
