Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

KLINGONS AROUND URANUS

A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and
pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball!

 

[melody]

BRUSH AFTER MEALS

A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst
vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had
been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to
feed further down his body.

 

[melody]

YUK!

A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with
an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her
colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze
emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life,
the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told
them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of
removing the bag and using my stomah!"

 

[melody]

OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to
clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.

 

[melody]

July 1
I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.

July 2
I`m trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don`t know if I`m coming or going.

July 3
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

July 4
I don`t get no respect. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.

July 5
I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that`s pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down."

July 6
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.

July 7
I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. Why, just last week some guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn`t a real professional job. There was butter on it.

July 8
I get no respect. I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

July 9
I tell ya, I`m not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I`ll show ya where it`s at." She said, "You`d better, `cause the last time I couldn`t find it."

July 10
Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back!

July 11
I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn`t eaten in five days. I told him, I said, "I wish I had your will power."

July 12
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

July 13
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

July 14
I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

July 15
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

July 16
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin and had to do the dishes.

July 17
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

July 18
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

July 19
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

July 20
I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

July 21
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

July 22
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

July 23
I tellin ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

July 24
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater.

July 25
I tell ya I get no respect. I told my dentist to put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities.

July 26
With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin to find out what car she was in.

July 27
With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

July 28
With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.

July 29
With my wife I don't get no respect. When I had diabetes she kept sending me candy grams.
July 30
Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!

July 31
And I was an ugly kid. Everytime my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breastfed me through a straw.

 

[melody]

Dearest Redneck Son...

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents
happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address
because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved
so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though.
Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. I hope they come back soon,
like I told your dad we shouldn't have to wear

the same clothes more than a week.

About that coat you wanted me to send;
your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail
with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,
but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whisky vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went
off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
The other two were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt

 

[melody]

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A
night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can
foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle
your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's
a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and
happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do
when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on
him. Then cook him a nice meal.

 

[melody]

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform
oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best
thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. Then cook him
a nice meal.

 

[melody]

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish
to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband
as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him
and cook him a delicious meal.

 

[melody]

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as
you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop
being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral
sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

 

[melody]

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep
never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to
cook him a nice meal.

 

[melody]

Romance And Marriage One-Liners

What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.

What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching his ass... and the other is a chimpanzee.

My mother-in-law told me exercise helps her burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.

Why can't little girls fart?
They don't get assholes till they're married.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death. It also inquires whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, 'Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.'

A woman posted a personal ad that read, "Husband wanted". The next day she received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!!"

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What do men and diapers have in common?
They are always on your ass and full of shit.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because men are pigs.

What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?
Seeing her box.

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and said, "my house is on
fire!"
The man on the phone said, "Well, can you tell me how we get there?"
She said, "Duhhh!!! In the big red trucks!"

How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.

 

[melody]

Newfie Fingers

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally
cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St.
John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's
have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus it's
2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I
could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring
da fingers?"

Johnny says ... "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??

 

[melody]

"Miss, I'm sorry but we can't employ you as a center-fold model", the
editor of a men's magazine explained. "It's all too obvious that your
blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black".

The irate lady picked up a paperweight on his desk and proceeded to slam
it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for !", he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're turning
black, right? And they've only been banged once."

 

[melody]

There once was a lad from the sea,
Who fucked a baboon in a tree.
The result was quite horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.