JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Erotic Love

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning as I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind- blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, 'Baaaaaaa' and rejoined the flock.

=====

Once at a kindergarten school a teacher was teaching to her students about different tastes.
As a demonstration she used life savers, the flavors were cherry lemon and honey the kids could get all the flavors except honey so she said I'll give you a hint it's something your parents may call each other a lot.
Then one little kid yells spit them out everybody there assholes!

 

[melody]

Females Rules

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change
some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a
direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants
him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone,
and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?"
when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

 

[melody]

A Man And His Dog

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The
bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and
Coke!"

The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"

"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that
dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"

"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a
conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He
is a very valuable dog."

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and
sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."

"Let's go look for him," said the man.

The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby
alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top
of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing
this? You have never done this before!"

"First time I ever had any money!"

=====

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

 

[melody]

Asian Women

Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the
correct orientation of Japanese women's sex organs. One said that
Japanese women have theirs going from side to side, while the other said
it goes vertical just like everybody else. The argument went on like
this for hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by going
to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know!

After being told the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said,
"Vertical, just like everybody else, and I'll prove it!"

Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes
on his wife's pussy, he called his wife anyway, and she appeared from
the second-floor bedroom.

"Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister"

Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister. On the
way down, there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on the floor.

"See? Didn't I tell you guys that its vertical just like everybody
else?"

The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that
prove?

"If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, blub,
blub, blub, blub..."

=====

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted. . .

. . . "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back,

"What do you want to do, knit or screw?"

 

[melody]

Teaching A Class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

=====

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally,

the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty

upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile

on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of

those as I want!”

 

[melody]

Potential And Realistic


A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

=====

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

 

[melody]

Two Brothers

Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for show-and-tell.

''I know I put it here somewhere'' he says. He then remembers that he put it in the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and stops at his brother, still eating his cereal.

''Hey, you found my scab collection.''

=====

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.

Q. What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
A. "The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

Q. Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie?
A. It's called, "Honey, I married the kids."

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
A. At least with a pro, you get what you pay for.

Q. Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the
difference between arson and incest?
A. He set fire to his sister.

Q. Why do men fart louder than woman?
A. Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

Q. Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A. It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

 

[melody]

Playing Poker

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to play cards.

Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is being remodeled.

Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living room with no more than a paper spread over their laps.

Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Pricilla.

After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses."

While in the powder room Pricilla looks at Penny and says "Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker?"

Penny replied "Pricilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

=====

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

 

[melody]

Out Of Towner

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress
in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, "Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have
a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and
again she is angry.

The man explains, "It's in the Bible."

An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests
They undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn't
sinful since it's in the Bible.

"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to
the front cover where someone has written, "Thelma the waitress
is a great lay."

=====

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"the
bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!?
Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

[melody]

Weeping

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears
are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels
pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens
we had yesterday..."
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily," Your father is a real
monster!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

=====

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

[melody]

Women vs. Men

The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him!
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep

 

[melody]

Downsizing

A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to
downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he
could get by if he laid off one of his employees. He looked in his files
and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the
other named Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same
time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally
he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired.
About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall
next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with
a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, "Jill, I have some
rather bad news. It seems as though I'm going to lay you or Jack off."
Jill looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have
to jack off. I have a headache."

=====
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

 

[melody]

Not In The Mood

A man woke up the one morning feeling horny, and asked his wife
for a fuck, but she said she wasn't in the mood.
So he got up, got dressed, and went downstairs and cooked breakfast
for
them both.
He ate his, and then took hers up to the bedroom so she could have
breakfast in bed.
He was still feeling horny, and so, after she'd finished her
breakfast,
he asked again for a fuck.
She said she was still not in the mood.
So he decided to go out to the newsagent and buy that day's
newspaper.
When he got back he found her still in bed, but naked with her arms
and legs
tied up to the bedpost.
So, thinking that she'd changed her mind, and fancied some bondage
fun,
he got undressed again, and proceeded to climb into bed for some
action.
She asked him what did he think he was doing, and he told her that
as
she was tied up, he thought she'd changed her mind.

She said "You stupid bastard! - While you were out two guys broke in
the house!"

He replied, "Oh no, did they get anything?'

"Did they get anything, hell yes, asshole, they got something. Why
do you think I am naked with a pussy full of cum?"

=====

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one
day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from
work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair
in the bedroom."

 

[melody]

Bee In My Pussy

One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.

The man took the woman to the hospital.

The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.

The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.

The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".

The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"

=====

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk."

 

[melody]

A Checkup

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor
calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news
for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues
and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have
one more day to live." The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for
the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the
remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make
wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth. When
the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off
all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he
has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted
and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent. Upon opening the bathroom
door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over
her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says
"SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."

=====

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"
He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."