JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Sex Therapist Office

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

=====

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

 

[melody]

Eighteen Wheeler

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."

=====

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

 

[melody]

Things Never To Say During Sex


1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

 

[melody]

CLUCK TWICE

Tom did like he always did, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep. Suddenly he woke up with an elderly man dressed in
a white robe, standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you
doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."

"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die .....
I'm too young." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back
immediately."

"It's not that easy," pondered St. Peter, "you can only return as a
dog or a hen. You can choose on your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog
is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as
a hen." Tom replied.

In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow
........ then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on
the farm." he said. "How do you like it?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing
up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before?? Just cluck twice, and then you
push all you can."

Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow," Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the
ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Tom, for
Christ's sake!!! Wake up ... you're shittin' all over the bed!"

 

[melody]

By The Side Of The Road

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed
Kevin where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day
plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much
in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother
was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making
love to her daughter?".....

"Baaaaaaa.....Baaaaaaa" said Joe.

=====

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load into it.

Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy?
A: Cuntindicular.

 

[melody]

A Wino

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes
over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts
chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes
he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you
to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

=====

Why do tampons have strings?
So that you can floss after you eat!

What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Nobody eats parsley!

 

[melody]

List Of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover Your Stump Before U Hump

2. Before U Attack Her, Wrap Yr Whacker

3. Don't Be Silly, Protect Yr Willy

4. When In Doubt, Shroud Yr Spout

5. Don't Be A Loner, Cover Yr Boner

6. You Cant Go Wrong If U Shield Yr Dong

7. If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

8. If U Think She's Spunky Cover Yr Monkey

9. If U Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize

10. It Will Be Sweeter If U Wrap Yr Peter

11. She Wont Get Sick If U Wrap Yr Dick

12. If U Go In To Heat, Package Yr Meat

13. While Yr Undressing Venus, Dress Up Yr Penis

14. When U Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up Yr Trouser Mouse

15. Especially In December, Gift Wrap Yr Member

16. Never,Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker

17. Don't Be A Fool, Vulcanize Yr Tool

18. The Right Selection Will Protect Yr Erection

19. Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil

20. A Crank With Armor Will Never Harm Her

21. No Glove, No Love!

=====

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house.

"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"

"No silly, it's salty!"

 

[melody]

A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get
a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He
ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and
he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in
her face.
Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"

=====

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilitic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck

 

[melody]

Little Johnny And Little Suzy


Little Johnny and Little Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"

=====

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --

He says he really likes to Fuck,

but he spends most of the time alone Masturbating.

 

[melody]

Open For The Night


A bartender is preparing to open for the night when
he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful
blonde is standing there. "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?,
She says.So he lets her in. "What`all it be he asks"?
"25 whiskeys please, just line me up"staggered , he does he
watches her down the lot one by one and then she collapses
on the floor. The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks
and takes her upstairs, when he has had enough he goes
backdown to open up. Its a really busy night and to boost business
he sells the girl for a tenner per go everyone wants a turn
and he makes a fortune!!! When he has closed up he takes the girl
and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he
counts his profits. The next night at the same time the door
goes again so he answers and the girl is back he can`t
believe his luck, inviting her in he asks "25 whiskeys
is it love"? "oh no she replies, vodka please
whisky makes my twat sore!!!!!"

=====

Difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
About 4 inches.

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

 

[melody]

Acute Angina


An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine
For his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next
Room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started
Groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He
Managed to get her blouse and bra off before she
Stopped him.

She said, "I can’t do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so 'cause you’ve got the
Ugliest tits I’ve ever seen."

=====

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got
separated. When they ran into each other later the first
old lady said to the second,
"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked!
How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was
so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out,
"...and cold, too!"

 

[melody]

And The Bad News IS?

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for George W.Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

 

[melody]

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

Second Wave Poopie: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker's Poopie: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie: Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

The Dangling Poopie: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Surprise Poopie: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Mexican Food Poopie: The kind where yellow-brown liquid shoots out your butt and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Underclass Poopie: The kind of shit had by people who think their shit doesn't stink.

Fisherman's Poopie: The kind where you are in a public restroom with 2 people waiting
for your stall, and after flushing twice, you still find shit pieces floating in the bowl.

Ambush Poopie: The kind that never occurs at home, but is common at a party or while
playing golf. You try to sneak out a silent fart and end up with trouser chili
and must walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.

Richard Simmons Poopie: The kind where you shit so much you lose 5 pounds.

 

[melody]

Addicted To Coffee

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

 

[melody]

LIARS' CHAIN LETTER

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! (Please!)

One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again. Damn the luck ...

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below :

Bill Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W. J. Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William Clinton
160 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

W Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

William J Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Slick Willie Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Hillary Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Rinbow Coalition
Washington, DC

Mr. Jesse Jackson
Moral Advisor to ex-President Bill Clinton

Source: Paul from N.Y.