Sex Calories
Calories we burn whilst having sex!
"If you like exercise, you will like this chart,
If you loathe to exercise, you will love this chart!"
The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa).........1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa).........274 calories
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Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a Shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size............22 calories
Oversize.................15 calories
Tremendous............8 calories
Teensy-weensy.......163 calories
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Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)..........20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom.........................................25 calories
Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities,
this position affords a better view of the clock.
From the rear (Mysterious variation)..............................40 1/2 calories
Standing
Both partners of equal height......................................18 calories
Woman 1 foot taller than a man..................................90 calories
The man will have to make several rigorous leaps into the air
in order to achieve even minimal satisfaction
While in traction.......................................... ...................124 calories
(very useful during ski season)
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Locations
On a bar stool....................20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic......38 calories
In a phone booth
Standing.......................14 calories
lying down...................274 calories
On an airliner
Aisle seat....................24 calories
Middle seat.................42 calories
Window seat...............30 calories
In the lavatory.............100 calories
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Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing........................7 calories
Sliding around................9 calories
Serious Skidding............12 calories
Full cartwheel................20 calories
Whiplash........................27 calories
Knee burn.......................6 calories
Chafed elbows...............5 calories
Chafed nose...................11 calories
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Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp).....................................3 calories
Wheezing.......................................... ...............5 calories
Squeals........................................... .................4 calories
Ecstatic moaning........................................... ...11 calories
Low growling.......................................... ........8 calories
Squishing......................................... ................10 calories
Shouting.......................................... .................16 calories
Screaming......................................... ...............18 calories
Urgent begging........................................... ......22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions......25 calories
"Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more"
are common examples
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Approaching Orgasm
Letting go................................................ ..........5 1/2 calories
Controlling yourself.........................................7 9 calories
Digging nails in your partners back back.........11 calories
Trembling......................................... ...............15 calories
Shaking........................................... .................20 calories
Shuddering........................................ ..............25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open................................33 calories
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Orgasm
Real............27 calories
Faked.........160 calories
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Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didnt change...............1/2 calorie
Face turned purple........................15 calories
Orchestra swelled.........................6 calories
Magical explosions.......................10 calories
Blazing Sheets...............................25 calories
Earth moved..................................30 calories
Vesuvius erupted...........................47 calories
You began moaning in Latin..........60 calories
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Pulling Out
After orgasm...................................1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm.......500 calories
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Multiple Orgasms
For woman
2......14 calories
5......30 calories
8......47 calories
Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship and ride a Moped.
For Men
2......21 calories
3......39 calories
4......57 calories
For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.
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Special Orgasms
Clitoral...............15 calories
Vaginal...............21 calories
Penile.................21 calories
Scrotile..............15 calories
Rectal................25 calories
Oral...................30 calories
(can also occur during an especially good meal)
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Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion.............................2 calories
During intercourse.........................5 calories
approx.. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion,
which ever comes first
During foreplay.............................3 calories
Immature ejaculation.....................4 calories
similar to premature ejaculation except male
acts childish and throws a tantrum
*Often caused by an inability to do things right.
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Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the footy on the tv.
For Woman
Frustration....................................... ...8 calories
Anger............................................. ....15 calories
Violent mood swing...........................20 calories
Suppressing rage................................25 calories
Not suppressing anger........................65 calories
in extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks,
and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.
For Men
Cursing........................................... ...10 calories
Apologizing....................................... 3 calories
Sniveling......................................... .5 calories
Pleading for mercy............................8 calories
Begging for another chance...............15 calories
Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 sec's of sex.
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Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning.........................6 calories
Palpitations......................10 calories
Shortness of breath..........5 calories
Perspiring........................8 calories
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Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny disposition........1 calorie
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Recovering
Un-entwining......................................... ...3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis.............7 calories
After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk ( put one foot
in front of the other), which will seriously impair your chances of going
to the bathroom or getting a juice.
Standing up...............................................9 calories
Getting some juice....................................11 calories
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Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse............18 calories
Classic behavior for shiftless men who believe they've done their job
and are now entitled to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.
During intercourse.........32 calories
Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.
During foreplay.............12 calories
Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.
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Trying Again
If the woman is ready...........5 calories
If the man is not....................156 calories
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Dreaming
Regular dream.................2 calories
Wet Dream......................16 calories
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices
Wet Trance......................20 calories
Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist
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Group Sex
Introducing yourself.....................3 calories
Overcoming shyness....................8 calories
Swapping partners
Willingly.................................4 calories
Unwillingly.............................62 calories
Jealousy......................................16 calories
Partner having more fun than you are
Mixed doubles............................26 calories
Being nice to everyone...............100 calories
Anger..........................................10 calories
You suddenly realise that you're wanted for you body and not your mind.
Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.
Finding your clothes....................5 calories
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Masturbation
For pleasure only...................................6 calories
For exercise, too....................................10 calories
For relief from tension...........................12 calories
To pass the time.....................................7 calories
To avoid overeating...............................16 calories
To get in touch with inner self...............10 calories
To get in touch with outter self..............10 1/4 calories
To avoid insanity..................................24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date......9 calories
In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping and binge's, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.
Using
Your hand(s):
Regular way......................................11 calories
Your finger(s)...................................9 calories
Tweezers.......................................... ....2 calories
An inflatable doll.................................24 calories
Any fruit or vegetable..........................19 calories
except watermelon or a sprig of parsley
A vibrator:
Hand-operated.................................12 calories
Windup............................................ 9 calories
Electric.......................................... ..5 calories
Anything not mentioned here.................50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater
Purchasing the ticket.........................2 1/2 calories
Finding isolated seat.........................78 calories
Adjusting raincoat.............................3 calories
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Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did............................4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didnt do....................8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual.......10 calories
Climaxing too soon.............................................5 calories
Climaxing too late.............................................. .6 calories
Not climaxing......................................... .............20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object.....................9 calories
Partner doesnt think of me as a sex object...........47 calories
Partner will neglect to administer last rites
should I not recover from orgasm......................88 calories
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Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm....6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field........................8 calories
Penis envy.............................................. ...........................72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak..........................................25 calories
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Getting Caught
By partner's spouse.........60 calories
By your spouse................60 1/2 calories
Trying to explain.............165 calories
Stuttering.........................28 calories
Throwing-up...................40 calories
Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed
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Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm...........................100 calories
Fright (includes trembling)...................66 calories
Leaping out of bed................................25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion.....300 calories
Thanking partner quickly......................2 calories
Jumping out of window........................15 calories
add 5 calories if window wasnt open
Landing........................................... .....1 calorie
Running very fast.................................50 calories
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Now go and find your partner
and lose those calories and have FUN!
