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Message: <blockquote data-quote="melody" data-source="post: 2952552" data-attributes="member: 14320">BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER(Back By Popular Demand)Dear Connie,I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.The day you left,I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the woundedlittle boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first oneto make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would comecrawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see thatmy pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don'tmiss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care whomakes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time welet our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.And this is what my heart says:"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breastsof every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of mydesperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodiesthat only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you.I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an assthat just wouldn't quit, every man's dream, right?But as I sat on thecouch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we'vemade important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does aperfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it.And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know,maybe I'm just growing up a little.Later, after I'd tossed her about ahalf a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feelso drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or herslutty, shameless hunger, but something else; some nagging feeling ofloss. Why did it feel so incomplete?And then it hit me. It didn't feelthe same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?Nothing feels the same without you.Oh, Connie, I'm just going crazywithout you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you rememberCarol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well,she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figuredI wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meanttill later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glassesof wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.And this tart's a total monster in the sack.She's giving me everything,you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weightor her career and whether the kids can hear us.And all of a sudden,she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she putsit on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. Andit's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking,"Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this oldvanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on hershoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.So we'redoing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do isthink of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that justabout makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the wholeanal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured youabout trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness betweenus. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister'scinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?It's true, Connie. In your heartyou must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out allthe grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel thesame please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let meknow where the fucking remote is?Love,Dan</blockquote>

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