JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Confessional

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues.
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many
children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up
two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Then why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!

When you're confined to a hospital bed for days at a time, you get the
chance to reflect on some of the things in your past.

I got to thinking about my "FIRST" time,
Well, my first time with a condom anyway! I was 16 or 17. and had
visited the drug store to buy a package of condoms.

There was a beautiful older woman behind the counter, and she could see
that I was new at it, probably cuz my face was red.

She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one, and I
honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. Apparently I
still looked confused cuz she looked all around the store. It was empty.
She said, "Just a minute." walked to the door, and locked it. -
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside, and asked, "Do these
excite you?"

I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head affirmatively.
She told me, it was time to slip the condum on. As I was slipping it on,
she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately,I could no
longer hold back and bang, I was done in a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart and with,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
Using a hammer and chissel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
With a piece of red velvet, he lines it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.

Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish, and gave it a smell.

Next came a preacher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.

Last came a biker, dirty little runt,
Sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!

@@

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Poor Jack's gob
Was filled with knob
'Cos Jill's a fucking tranny.

@@

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
"Listen, you prat.
I live in a flat.
How the fuck should I know?"

@@

Simple Simon
Met a pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon
To the pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman
Unto Simon,
"Pies, you fuckwit!"

@@

There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!

@@

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved

The Ugliest Wife.

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest
wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper
telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't
you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and
decide for yourselves..."

Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the
first guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers,
she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so
fast says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to his house... He
bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the
third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.

He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear
this voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

A woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time...she's lying on her
back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up
the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE
pussy!"

She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to
think - this guy would know, right? After all, he is a doctor. Now she's
curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down,
and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her
husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..."
He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the
floor"

Meanest Of The Mean

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from
the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he
said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room
on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open
those beers first."

An Amish boy is sitting on his bed reading the Bible.
All of a sudden, his father storms in, grabs him, and
drags him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one
sheep chewing grass. The father points
to the sheep and says,

"Thou hast had sex with Yon sheep!"

The boy kneels and says, "Father forgive me, for I
did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened, the father says, "Thou art forgiven my son.
But know this ... there will be REAL trouble
if I taste it again!"

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"

Said the girl, "Shut your face!"
"You're in the wrong place!"
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it weren't for women ...
Men's dicks would rust!

=====

Man - "You are awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy."
Woman - "Get off my back."

Goofy Sex Laws

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Anything other than face-to-face is considered
illegal.

***

The Romans would crush a first time rapist's gonads between two stones.

***

In Florida having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

***

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with
castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

***

It's illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada.

***

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it's against the law to have sex
with a truck driver in a toll booth.

***

You're forbidden from talking dirty in your wife's
ear if you live in Willowdale, Oregon.

***

There's a law against masturbating while watching two
people have sex in a car in Clinton, Oklahoma.

***

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

***

Adultery laws currently exist in 37 states, with a couple of women recently
arrested and convicted on the mere accusation of adultery by their husbands.

***

As recently as 1990, these States had laws against heterosexual fellatio,
cunnilingus, anal Sex and the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma,
Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina,
North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and
Washington D.C.

***

Believe it or not, in June 1990, three Connecticut residents were arrested
in two separate incidents and charged with adultery, a misdemeanor crime
punishable by a maximum sentence of one year in prison and a $1,000 fine.

***

Taking the act of adultery to even more painful heights, the Serni of Brazil
take a guilty wife, whip her and then expose the wounds to fire ants.

***

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex
on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

***

In Krakow, Poland it's not only a crime to have sex with animals,
but three-time offenders are shot in the head.

***

It's a sin and a crime to have sex with any male animal in Lebanon.
However, it's perfectly okay to have sex with female animals.

***

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with
castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found
guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that
without a nose, it'd be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous
ways.

***

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

***

During the 1600s In Massachusetts, a teenage boy was executed for
confessing to having had sex with two horses, two cows, and four sheep.

***

Up until 1884, a Victorian-era woman could be sent
to prison for denying a husband sex.

***

While not as final as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning),
Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was
removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

Buying Men Gifts

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why

10 Things That Piss Me Off These Days

1. People who piss on the floor.

That's right, people who piss on the floor. You go to a public bathroom,
and there's a puddle of piss down on the floor under the urinal. Hey guys,it ain't that hard to aim, you dig? I mean, if there is one thing that should
feel natural in your hand, it's your own dick. Another man's dick might feel
funny, but your own? Oh, and if you felt dirty at the mere mention of
another man's dick in your hand, seek professional help. You're a fucking
bigot on top of an animal who doesn't care where his urine ends up.
Why not lift a leg against the next tree or parking meter, while you're
at it? I am tired of having to step in someone's piss just to get a chance
to get close to the damn urinal. And if you can't find motivation, think
about this: how do you know *for sure* that when you need for your dick
to make you proud -- say in the context of a perfect cum shot to the
face -- that it won't end up squirting your love juice 90 degrees into
the wall? Start practicing, asshole, start practicing.


2. People who still have Vote Kerry stickers on their cars.

People, the election was a while ago, and the asshole you were hoping
was gonna get elected didn't. He choked and died of a miserable political
death. Keeping the damn stickers on the car is not going to somehow
mean that the elections were a bad dream and that the race is still on.
Not to mention that all it really accomplishes at this stage is to identify you
as a loser. Not that we didn't already know that just by looking at the rest
of your stupid little Japanese car ...


3. People who insist on talking to me while they're taking a shit.

Mother of God, if you're straining while pinching a shit loaf, could you
at least have the decency to shut the fuck up? It's already bad enough
that I have to hear your farts and imagine those little particles of shit that
go flying out of your rear end. There should be a rule that no two parts
of the human body are allowed to make noise at the same time. If your
ass is doing the talking, it's rude to interrupt it. Shut your fucking pie hole.
Or better yet, wait until I left the room to fart a shit right out of your gut.


4. People who listen to Shania Twain.

Once and for all, face the fact: she has a sweet face, she has horrible
legs, she can't sing worth a damn, and if it weren't for the fact that
she whored her midriff in all videos known to man, you wouldn't know
anything about her. The talent in the family belongs to Mutt Lange.
Shania should be content to just blow him for a living. That's what
should appear on her tax return forms: I suck my husband's talented
dick. Period.


5. People who think that being gay is cool.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is something wrong with
being gay because you think it's cool to be different and to belong to the
"underdogs." Prime example: Rosie. She's only a lesbian because no
man would fuck her, that ugly cunt. If she'd only spend as much time
and energy dieting as she does making an ass of herself, she'd probably
become of part of the human race again. But as is, she's just a whale
who beached herself on our shores -- and she's starting to smell.


6. People who try to scam me via email.

Please, let's relent on the assault on the weak-brained. No, I am not
going to give you my social security number because you're asking for it.
And no, I am not going to sign on to my supposed-to-be eBay account on
your fake ass web page just so that my info can be emailed to you. So
move on, already. If that's all you got, how about drinking a gallon of
Clorox tomorrow morning right after you wake up?


7. People who insist on selling me a fake Rolex.

If I wanted a Rolex, I'd buy one. It's not a question of money, it's a question
of priorities. So selling me a fake one -- via email, no less -- is really not
going to fly. I am not that insecure that I need a fake anything to pretend
that I am cool and rich. Get a clue already. Oh yeah: and I hope all
spammers die a long and painful death. With or without a long cock.


8. People who insist on telling me what's the latest book they read.

I get it: you read, you want all people to know it. But if you truly are an
avid reader, why be so insecure as to constantly tell me that you read?
Why not be satiated by the fact that your thirst for knowledge and culture
is quenched in the privacy of your own home? Because, quite frankly, I
don't give a damn. Plagiarism intended.

9. People who go out to smoke in a snow storm.

This just in: snow storms are no fun to be standing in the middle of.
This just in as well: smoking is bad for you. So get the fucking clue and
use this most inhospitable season to quit this filthy habit of yours. Once
and for all. I am tired of having to walk through this gauntlet of smelly
assholes every time I want to walk in or out of a public building.
Stupid motherfuckers.


10. People who send me holiday cards with a picture of their kids on it.

I have three kids. I don't give a shit about yours. I am all stocked up
right here. Not to mention that my kids are smarter and cuter than yours,
anyway. Then they expect me to ooh and ahh over their progeny. What
can I say? It's too sad your child looks like Quasimodo, and has an IQ
inferior to my shoe size? People, this is the most fucking narcissistic
thing you can come up with. Enough assaulting my with pics of your rugrats
just because it's the end of the year. I could have shit a better looking
child after a nasty Mexican meal.