A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^

spring

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A businessman entered a Pub, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.

After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

---------- Post added at 01:43 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:36 PM ----------

man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She then says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

---------- Post added at 01:45 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:43 PM ----------

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented,

'When we were first married, you took the small piece

of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the

large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love

me any more...'

'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you

just cook better now.'
 

calvin9683

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The potty

a little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "billy, are you all right?you've been in here for a while..

Billy says: "i'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"


billy says: "it works for ketchup!!"
 

spring

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A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
 

spring

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Three high steel building workers break for lunch and sit down high above the city.

First worker opens his lunch box and complains, "Not lentils and rice again today, Every day, lentils & rice, lentils & rice. If I have lentils & rice again tomorrow I will throw myself from this building."

Second worker opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Not butter chicken & rice again. Every day chicken & rice. If I have that again tomorrow I'll throw myself off too."

The last worker, a blonde opens his lunch box and said, "Not baked macaroni and cheese again. Every day the same baked macaroni and cheese. If I have that one more time tomorrow I'll throw myself off with you guys."

The next day at lunch, the first worker opens his lunch and cries, "Lintils and rice.?!?"

He throws himself off the building from the 20th floor!

The second worker his lunch and sees that he has butter chicken and rice again and throws himself off, too!

The blonde opens his lunch and shouts, "Baked macaroni and cheese again." and throws himself off as well!

The next day at the combined funeral the wife of the first worker stands up and tearfully says, "If I only knew he didn't like lentils and rice, I would never have made it for his lunch."

The wife of the second worker stands and says, "I always thought he liked butter chicken. If I knew he hated it I would never have made it for his lunch."

The wife of the blonde stands and says, "I don't understands it.. He always made his own lunch!
 

corona_ice

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good one! really really funny!!!:rofl::rofl:
 

calvin9683

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The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !​

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:​

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.​

The third floor sign reads:​

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.​

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!​
 

spring

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A couple takes their son on vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got

---------- Post added at 05:41 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 05:05 PM ----------

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
n*ked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his A*s out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
 

SDF

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Three men: a lawyer, an engineer and an accountant, were out
> riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
>
> Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
> standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter
> and the Devil were standing nearby.
>
> "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven
> is Now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit
> the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can
> ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then
> you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll
> come with me to Hell."
>
> The lawyer then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
> comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of
> his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
> lawyer read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to
> Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the lawyer
> disappeared.
>
> The engineer then asked, "Give me the most complicated
> formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
> another stack of paper appeared. The engineer read it and
> reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With
> another snap of his finger, the engineer disappeared too.
>
> The accountant then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
> chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
> on the seat." The Devil did just that. The accountant then
> sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up,
> he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
>
> The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
> the Right." "Wrong," said the accountant, "it's from my
> asshole."
>
>
>
> The accountant went to Heaven.
 

khoo198

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:rofl:
 

zac

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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

---------- Post added at 11:52 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 11:44 PM ----------

The Pickled Penis
There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

---------- Post added 02-06-2010 at 12:06 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was 02-05-2010 at 11:52 PM ----------

Psychiatrist Observations
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
 

zac

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Dr. Bob
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
 

corona_ice

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*pls fill in the blanks with any name u like:biggrin:
These infamous quotes will forever be in the History of Malaysia!!!


1)_ _ _ _on pos laju *"BESOK KIRIM, HARI INI SAMPAI"*

2)The one on TV when in trying to say he was ashamed, he said*:`Kemaluan saya besar`*

3)On drugs, *"Jangan hisap dada"

4)_ _ _ _said in a ceramah *"Kita akan bina satu jambatan untuk orong-orong kampong disini"*, one pakcik asked, "Datuk, sini takde sungai,buat apa bina jambatan?" and _ _ _ _ glorious replied *,"Kalau takde sungai, kita bina sungai!"*

5)_ _ _ _'s favorite quote on national television *"Toll naik sikit, manyak marah saya. You ingat semua ini toll saya punya bapa punya kah!"

6) During the water shortage crisis *: "semua orang diminta jgn membuang aiyerr..!"*

7) During blood donation campaign in Sg Siput:*"..marilah kita semua menderma dara.."*

8) During the opening speech of various function:*"...selamat datang saudara- mara semua.."* (actually is "saudara-saudari")

9) At an opening ceremony:* *"mempersilakan datin paduka rafidah aziz naik ke pentas utk membuka kain" *

10)Commenting about his modesty: *"sebenarnya, kemaluan saya sangat-sangat besar*"

*to mods if not allow pls delete for me* i just posted for laughs only, not meant to hurt or harm anybody....
 

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