A joke a day keeps grumpy face away ^_^

spring

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A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.

It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in.

This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house. He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within:

"Who is it?"

The man leaned on the door and said tenderly:

"I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."

Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.

"Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?," the woman roared.

The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?"

---------- Post added at 09:31 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 09:29 AM ----------

There was a man who had worked all his life, saved all his money, and was a real miser.

Just before he died he said to his wife, "When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.

Well he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony just before they were ready to close the casket the wife say, "Wait a minute!"

She had a box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

The undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"

The loyal wife replied, "Listen I'm a Christian I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put the money in with him."

"You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket!"

"I sure did," said the wife, "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote a cheque, if he can cash it he can spend it.
 

XTEC

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Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.

Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.

The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.”

---------- Post added at 02:41 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:56 PM ----------

THE CABINET


NaXXX was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on LSL and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and incorruptible cabinet.

On hearing Naxxx woes, PM LSL said, "Simple, NAXXX, I choose able men for my cabinet." Naxxx asked, "Yes, but how do you know that they are able?"

PM LSL replied, "Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence, don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you." Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM LSL called out to him, "Hey Tony, come over here." Tony obediently walked briskly over.

PM LSL asked, "Tell me, Tony, who is your fathers son ?" Tony Tan immediately replied, "Me! Of course."

PM LSL turned to Naxxx and said, "See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try." Naxxx thank PM LSL and left.

Once he was back, he immediately summoned MUXXXXX, his deputy, and shot the question at him, "Tell me, MUXXXXX, who is your father's son ?" MUXXXXX was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said, "Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow." Naxxx, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that MUXXXXX will give a good answer tomorrow.

Meanwhile, MUXXXXX was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning,
he decided to call OBXXX for help. Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer.

When OBXXX picked up the phone, MUXXXX said, "Hello, OBXXX, can I ask you a question?" OBXXX, very busy, replied, "Alright, but it better be good !" MUXXXXX quickly asked, "Tell me, OBXXX, who is your father's son ?" OBXXX was fuming, "Of course it's me, you stupid !" and he slammed the phone down.

Satisfied that he's got the answer, he confidently walked into NAXXX office and said, "Boss, I've got the answer to your question." NAXXX, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, "So tell me quick, who is your fathers son, MUXXXXX?"

MUXXXXX confidently replied, "It's OBXXX !"

NAXXX slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No you stupid, it's TONY TAN !"
 

spring

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A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

---------- Post added at 12:29 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 09:40 AM ----------

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old
man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son
 

zac

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An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"
 

spring

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An unmarried friends, a male and a female were debating on an issue.

She was saying, how it is unfair that if a guy has Inte*cou*se with many girls every week, he is legend. But a girl flirts with just two boys in a year she is slut.

In response the boy says, if a key opens lots of locks; it is a master key.

But if a lock is opened by many keys then it is a shitty lock.

---------- Post added at 07:10 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 07:06 PM ----------

A hippie boards a bus and spies a pretty young Nun. He sits down next to her, and asks: "Can we have sex ?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God". She stands up and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"


"Yeah?" says the hippie. "Yeah!" says the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me ?"

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha" he cries, "I'm the hippie !"

"Ha-ha" cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver !"*
 

zac

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Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

---------- Post added at 12:54 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:53 AM ----------

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too earl
 

SDF

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial..

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole !!"
 

zac

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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

---------- Post added at 08:19 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 08:13 PM ----------

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"
 

calvin9683

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Jul 5, 2004
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How Fights Start.......


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started..


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since. 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...



I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started....


SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 

spring

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Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train.

The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him

Madhuri is thinking: Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped.

Musharraf is thinking: Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me.

Vajpayee is thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again.

---------- Post added at 02:18 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 02:07 PM ----------

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?", asked Bill.
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
 

spring

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."


The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing."

---------- Post added at 10:29 AM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:21 AM ----------

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."


The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
 

spring

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Life

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, 'You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!'
The DONKEY answered, 'I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!' and God gave him 20 years.
GOD created DOG and told him ' You will look after man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years, You will be a DOG.'
The DOG answered 'GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.
GOD created the MONKEY and told him, 'you will jump from branch to branch , you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!'
The MONKEY answered ' GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!' and GOD gave him 10 years.
Finally GOD created MAN and told him, 'you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?'
That was exactly what GOD did, and since then: MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren.

---------- Post added at 01:42 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 01:38 PM ----------

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad.
 

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Dear all,

i ll turbocharge my ride next year, now i got a offer from a reputable dealer, not very familiar with it but he taught me a lot of car mod knowledge, he himself is regular racer in sepang.

1. Skyline intercooler ( dunno is 32/33/34 ) = rm700
2. Tial 48mm wastegate = rm1100
3. HKS type s bov = rm350

all item above is used part, but original item, shall i go for it?

I m using D2 racing suspension now, good handling but too stiff for daily use... is it all adjustable is...
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