Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Secret of Success

Sir, "What is the secret of your success a reporter asked a bank president?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience. "

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

 

[melody]

She said, "Kiss me doctor!"
Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does
not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be
fucking you."

 

[melody]

The Radar Gun

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the
Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.

Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob
pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were
going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming
fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire
life!"

Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on
his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a cunt stretcher," replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A cunt stretcher."

Of course the cop asked, "What's a cunt stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I
go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more,
and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther
apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?"

Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the
end of a bridge!"

 

[melody]

Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose situation?
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favorite sexual position is next door.

 

[melody]

Bob The Virgin

Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his
upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the
advice of his friend John, who was quite the local
Romeo.
"Just relax, Bob," counseled John.
"After all, you grew up on a farm - just do like the
dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to
her mother's house in tears and announced that she
wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for
even one more night.
"He's totally disgusting!" she wailed.
At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to
find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally
she broke down. "Ma, he doesn't know anything at all
about how to be romantic, how to make love. .
he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the
bedpost!"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him,
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother,
"Don't fucking give him one."

 

[melody]

Credit Card

A lady died November, and Citibank billed her for December and
January for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this
part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong
with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

(Priceless!! )

 

[melody]

Baseball star's wife makes ultimate threat!​

The wife of a top US baseball player has vowed to have sex with all of his
team mates if he ever cheats on her.

Anna Benson, a former model and stripper is married to Mets pitcher Kris Benson.

She told Howard Stern's radio show: "I told him, cheat on me all you want.
If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team.
Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."

Stern, egging her on, asked: "Even the coaches? What about, like, the bat boys?"

"Everybody would get a turn," Anna pledged.
"If my husband cheated on me and embarrassed me like that,
I will embarrass him more than he could ever imagine."​

Give that woman a hand~!​

 

[melody]

Mobile phones are the only subject on which
men boast about who's got the smallest.​

 

[melody]

A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman.
After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place.
She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.
"Wow," he says, "you really know how to handle a dick!"
"I should," she replies, "I used to have one."

 

[melody]

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their
rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed
their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,
"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing
I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking
off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed
to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well,
Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either.
Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel ass
and lets get the hell out of here!"

 

[sakuraguy]

The thread is shining and smiling with mel's hard effort of jokes ..

 

[sh@rty 5]

agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mel thxs a lot

 

[melody]

guess U 2 are my fans..:proud:
but then again, there could be some shy silent ones out there..

 

[melody]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame
you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room,
I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to
watch pornos again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her
over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
(Good one!)

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on
fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a
field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again!? Kick ass.

liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-
friend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool,
I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a
wonderful Valentine's day gift!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have
to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of
Chuck's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for
you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it
again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let
me watch Sportscenter.